Happy FREAKING Birthday to Me!

Doug and I are in Cumberland for the long weekend visiting some friends. It's nice to get away for a little while, but I think I am going to need a more substantial vacation soon. My sister is coming from Utah during my spring break, so I hate to leave while she is here, but I may just need a few days of somewhere else.

So some updates...

Nursery is going a lot better. I've added a little structure (I think) to the program, but I'm not really sure because I don't know what it was like before I got there. We start every day with playdoh, then to puzzles, snack, lesson, coloring, toys, music time, and then bubbles. Unfortunately the other two nursery workers aren't there very often and they don't get subs when they are gone. I guess I can't say too much because I'm out of town this weekend. (But, I did arrange with one of the parents ahead of time to sub for me...) I'm starting to feel like I know what I'm doing and that's nice.

Doug is going to be in Thailand for work the WHOLE month of March. There is a possibility of us living there for a couple years in the future, so he's kind of going out to preview and try it out. I wish my Spring Break would have lined up with his travel because I totally would have gone out there with him for at least two weeks. It's going to be pretty lonely while he's gone, but I've learned to be pretty independent with how often he needs travel for work. If we do move to Thailand for a while it will be nice because I think I will get to see him more often!

The one part about this that REALLY sucks is that March is when my Lupron (menopause inducing) shot finally wears off. I can't get pregnant when my husband is on another continent and there is absolutely no flexibility with his travel dates. It's just yet another roadblock on getting pregnant. I figure I've been trying to get pregnant now for two and a half years now, what's another month? I only cried a few nights. I'm trying to figure out something with my doctor right now because this complicates things.

I'm in a good place right now emotionally about not being pregnant. It's a lot easier for me when I'm on some sort of treatment. There's no monthly roller coaster ride of emotions. I know that I can't get pregnant when I'm on these treatments, so there's no counting days or wondering if I'm pregnant. There's no let down when I get my period. It just makes it easier. To be honest, I'm anxious to go OFF treatment because that means that all of the worry and disappointment will come back.

Pregnant Caitlin and I visiting Laura and Baby Bryson.

My menopause symptoms have become pretty commonplace now. The hot flashes have either gotten better or I've just gotten used to them. I've come up with some ways to be more comfortable during the night even while dealing with the night sweats. I wasn't having any emotional side effects that I could tell until this last Thursday (my 28th birthday).

I've mentioned it before on my blog, but I have some students in my class that are pretty demanding this year. I planned my annual Constitutional Convention on my birthday because I thought it would be exciting to do something out of the ordinary that day. The re-enactment was a little chaotic in the beginning, but I think it went okay. Afterward the kids were all a little wound up and I was going to take them out for an extra recess, but it was rainy outside. I decided to modify my science plans and watch a movie to get them calmed down before I started teaching again. About 5 minutes before the end of the movie, the PRINCIPAL walks into my room to do an informal observation.

I am immediately stressed out because she has been so critical in the past, but I continued with my plans and ATTEMPTED to teach writing. The kids were so disrespectful. They were talking during my whole lesson and there was nothing I could do to regain control. It was awful and the principal just sat in the back of my room scribbling notes down in her little notepad. Oh yeah, and it's MY BIRTHDAY!

I started transitioning into math and had them read for a minute while I passed out homework. When I went to pick up the homework, I noticed that someone had ripped up some of the homework papers?!? I went ahead and started taping them up and then passed them out. We started going over the homework and their behavior still had not improved. If it hadn't been for the administrator sitting in the back of my classroom, we would've had a heart-to-heart right then. My last stitch effort was to try to bring the guilt of, "Hey you guys, it's my birthday and my ONE birthday wish is that you are respectful."

It didn't work.

The principal FINALLY left and I was starting my math lesson by then. I tried to teach my lesson that day with no success, so about 5 minutes in, I split the kids into to groups and had them play comparing fractions war.

If this was all that had happened I might've been okay, but then the assistant principal came into my classroom. I've been dealing with some bullying in my classroom and I have been trying SO hard to catch it and fix it. I've been getting multiple daily emails full of frustration from these parents that are being forwarded to administration as well. I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to stop it and yet somehow it still is happening. Then on top of that I had another parent that sent me an email DEMANDING that their child's seat be moved immediately in the classroom. When I didn't respond (it had been less than 24 hours), I received a follow-up email from that same parent demanding to know if the matter "had been taken care of."

And IT'S MY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!

We were lining up for lunch and the assistant principal is standing there. He tells me that he needs to meet with the suspected bullies directly after lunch. I tell him that I'd like him to just talk to my whole class. Before I know it, my eyes are getting watery and he offers to take them down to lunch. I took him up on his offer and went to the back of the classroom and started sobbing. (It was DEFINITELY the ugly cry!) The kids were still in the room lined up for lunch, but I was facing away from them and they were being so loud that they didn't even notice. (This is the first time in six years of teaching that my class has ever brought me to tears.)

They left and I sat back there trying to pull myself together for the first ten or so minutes of my lunch. I reapplied my make up and headed down the hall to the teacher's lounge to try to enjoy the birthday lunch that my coworkers had bought for me. As soon as I walked in, it was apparent that I was upset and the stupid waterworks started up again. My friend Caitlin had even brought me a special snack of Oreo cookies and milk for my birthday! I just sat there and cried while dipping my Oreos. (I laugh now picturing myself doing this.) I was able to pull it back together and pick my kids up from lunch. I had the assistant principal give them a firm talking to and then I gave them a firm talking to myself. They had indoor recess and then we had a silent reading block.

Unbeknownst to me, one of the other fourth grade teachers that had been witness to my cryout during lunch had told her students that I was having a tough day and it was my birthday. Her class decided to spend their whole recess making me cards. Soon after recess, I got a knock at my door and her students came into my classroom in a long line and each individually handed me a card and wished me a happy birthday. It was very sweet and made me start crying happy tears! :) (Seriously, enough with the crying!)

Doug picked me up after work and we went to Morton's for my birthday. He had made reservations, so they had the menu printed with Happy Birthday (unfortunately they got the date wrong on the menu..) The steaks were really good, but a $150 dinner bill always kills me a little on the inside. We went to the mall afterward, so we wouldn't get stuck in traffic and I bought some shoes. It was all really nice and he was a good listener even though I was trying not to dwell on my tough day.

We were driving home when the family birthday calls started coming in.  I even cried as Doug's sisters sang "Happy Birthday!" over the phone.  I seriously never cry, so I knew something was way off emotionally and figured it had to be some side effects from the Lupron. I decided to put myself to bed as soon as we got home and that did the trick.  The next morning I was much better!

Friday in the classroom went much better as well, but that might be because I didn't allow any talking AT ALL. I spoke to them about bullying and showing respect. We will continue the no talking for all of next week and hopefully I will get my classroom back to the friendly and welcoming atmosphere that I like on the 28th when they will get a second chance.

So that was my 28th birthday.  I guess it's memorable?

Free Babysitting?

First off, I'd like to thank all of those that commented on my post, Operation: Nursery.  I am using many of your ideas as I try to add a little structure to the nursery program.

I've done nursery now three times and I feel like I know what I'm doing even less each time I'm there.  My first day doing nursery, I was enthusiastic and ready to make it all work.  I came home afterward and made the little schedule cards below, I googled for fun ideas, read nursery blogs, and even researched the developmental milestones for the ages of the children I would be working with. 

My second week in nursery happened... and not at all as I had planned.  The schedule cards that I had fun making are at the bottom of my nursery bag and still have yet to make an appearance.  Now after my third week, I'm not even sure I will use them at all.  It seems like all of our time is spent just trying to keep the little ones from crying.

After a month in my calling, I've now met and talked to the other two nursery teachers.  One is a college student and the other is a newlywed.  All three of us were there today for the first time.  I think they've both been doing nursery for about the last year or so.  Both are very nice, but they seem pretty quiet right now and it makes the two hours there pretty lonely.

Nursery doesn't seem like it should be all that challenging.  I don't have to spend hours preparing a lesson.  My class doesn't text or complain.  We get snack and play time!  It shouldn't be that hard.  The manual for nursery is wonderful.  The lesson on prayer today had some great interactive ideas.  I loved all of the ideas and was completely prepped before nursery today.  I really thought it would go well.

In my work as a teacher, I am constantly looking at the facial expressions of my class to be able to direct my lesson.  I use their reactions and participation to gauge interest and understanding.  Today I got a bunch of blank stares, drooling, and crying.  I don't feel like I have super high expectation for them, but it was really hard to even teach a lesson for five minutes.  Right now, I'm trying to adjust my expectations to their age group and figure out what will get their attention and participation.

Trying to structure two and three year olds seems kind of like herding cats at this point.  My ideas for organization and structure keep fading away each week I am there.  Next week, I will get to see someone else teach a lesson for the first time, so I am really interested to see what works and get more ideas. 

I'm trying not to get discouraged about the calling, but I feel like I'm starting to think about this calling as it seems everyone else does... as free babysitting.

Operation: Nursery

So, I've been serving as the Sunbeams (3-4 year-olds) teacher at church since January of 2011.  I've really enjoyed working with the Sunbeams and seeing them grow and change so quickly throughout the year.  It really has been one of my favorite callings to date.  The week before Christmas, they asked me to go work in the nursery as I was originally called back at the beginning of 2011.  There were two other nursery workers that were already there, so I was just added in for some extra help.  I have absolutely no experience in nursery, so the primary president gave me the manual, took me on the grand tour, and kind of introduced me to what they do in nursery.

Fast forward two weeks to today... my first Sunday in nursery.  I kind of assumed since I was the new one to nursery that I didn't really need to plan anything, but that I would just show up and "learn the ropes" from the two other veteran teachers.

Whenever I was asked to do nursery, the primary president was specific about being there on time, so that the parents could drop and then get to their meetings and/or callings, SO I headed RIGHT out of sacrament meeting after the closing prayer and was waiting in the room for the two other nursery leader to get there.

Well, one kid shows up... and its just me... then two, three, four kids... still no other teacher... five, six, seven (that parent opted out)... still no other teachers.  So yep, my first Sunday in nursery it was just. me.  I had no plans, no snack, and no idea how anything worked.  They got a sub to come at the last minute and the kids ate some old pretzels and raisins that we found in the cupboard.  We didn't really have a lesson.  Most kids just sat and played and others waited crying at the door for their parents to return.

So next week, I'm coming prepared.  I don't do a half job of anything and I intend to put my best effort forth into making this calling work.  I mean, I work with children for a living, these kids shouldn't be THAT much different from my fourth graders, right??

Just kidding, I know it will be a lot different, but I'm going to try to do my best.

The first thing I want to do is start routines and add structure.  We have the kids in there for almost two hours, so I figure that time needs to be split up.  There are nine kids on the roll and three teachers, so it is all very doable.

I've been online looking for ideas and there are tons of great ones out there.   I just wanted to hear any practical experience/advice that anyone has to give me.

Trying Something New

A couple Sundays ago, half of the Sunbeams didn't show up for one reason or another, so I got to go to Relief Society.  The lesson was on Developing Our Talents.  This lesson is probably one that I have had maybe a billion times at church, so I wasn't really expecting much.  The teacher followed the manual pretty closely and allowed others to share personal experiences.  She shared a simple list about how to develop our talents:

1. Discover our talents
2. Spend time and effort to develop our talents
3. Have faith that Heavenly Father will help us and have faith in ourselves
4. Learn skills necessary to develop our talents
5. Practice our talents
6. Share our talents

I'm really bad with details, but the teacher told us a story about discovering our talents (not out of the manual) that really got me thinking.  The gist of the story was that there was a person that had trained all of their life to be one thing, but then they suffered an injury that kept them from doing that, so they started something completely new and now they are REALLY famous for it.  Dang, I am a bad story teller, but I swear I knew who the person was (because they are really famous) and I was like, "Wow, if they hadn't gotten that injury, then we never would have seen this talent that they're famous for."

Then, the sister next to me, told a story about how when she was pregnant with one of her children, her husband was away at sea, she was getting restless, and needed something to do.  One day, she decided that she would like to paint.  She had never taken a class in her life and knew nothing about painting.  She brought a painting kit, took a couple classes, and she found out that she is an amazing artist.

So I started thinking... 

Is there a talent that I have that I haven't discovered yet? What if my undiscovered talent is like REALLY cool?  I think I should try some new things!

So, out of all of the things I've decided that I could do, I decided that I wanted to be...

a RUNNER.  

I know for many of you that doesn't really seem like a talent, but exercise.  But, I think that runners are awesome.  What a cool talent!  Not everyone can run... I sure can't.  I wish I could be a runner, but I've never actually tried.

Until yesterday, I had never gone out and walk/jogged/ran by myself a day in my life.  The day before, I was talking to my teacher friend on the phone and she was telling me how productive her day had been AFTER she had gone for a run.  When she had called, I had just woken up from a three hour nap in the middle of the afternoon and I had done NOTHING but eat waffles and cereal, check email/Facebook, and play with my iPad. Hearing about her productive day and mentally comparing it to my own was enough.  I decided that the NEXT morning I would start running. 

So, yesterday morning, I got up, put some exercise-like clothes on and went running.  It was THAT simple.  For some reason, the weird part was leaving the garage and STARTING.  I've always seen people running through the neighborhood, but I've never seen someone start their run.  So I did, and guess what?  It wasn't bad.  In fact, I woke up this morning and did it AGAIN.

During my summers off, I usually get sleepy around 11am and want to take a nap.  Most days during the summer unless I have other plans, I usually do take a nap.  The last two days that I've been running in the mornings, I get this unexpected energy boost and I feel great afterward.

The logical side of me also tells me that this is a way to become healthier.  My body is a temple.  I should be taking care of it better by exercising and eating less bacon cheeseburgers and spicy chicken sandwiches.  I'll start with the exercising part and work on the food part later. :)

I'm hoping that I can keep it up at least for the summer while I'm off school.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll like it and become good at it.  I kind of stink at it right now and can only run for like 2 minutes at a time, but I guess its a start.

I've always been the type of person that let experiences find me.  I think I'm going to start seeking out new experiences.  I'll want to try new things and not worry about failing.  Maybe along the way I'll pick up a new talent or two.

Easter

I know it's been a while since Easter, but I was cleaning out my camera and found these pictures.  When we moved in our house three years ago, Doug started a tradition of doing Easter baskets for each other.  We skipped last year because we were in Hawaii, but luckily I remembered this year in enough time to get the good Easter candy before it was all sold out.  This year for Easter, I put a basket together for Doug with the following: a year's supply of Cadbury Cream Eggs, Chipotle Tabasco Sauce, and eggs filled with Sixlets and Starburst Jelly Beans.  My Easter basket had all of the same stuff basically except I got 6 stargazer lily bulbs.  These are my FAVORITE flowers and the same kind that I had in my bouquet on our wedding day.  (He planted them for me too!)

We then had a yummy breakfast of eggs, waffles, and grits with strawberries.  I always hated grits growing up and would never touch the stuff well... because it was too gritty.  Doug happens to LOVE grits, so I make them for him pretty often.  So, now I've actually started to develop a taste for the stuff.  I must be getting old.

I taught the Easter lesson to the Sunbeams at church.  My lesson was on the Resurrection, a pretty tricky topic for 3-4 year olds.  I started off the lesson by letting them talk about their morning so they could get it all out of their systems.  I then explained that we would NOT be talking about the Easter bunny or Easter eggs or candy and that we WOULD be talking about Jesus.  They nodded and seemed to listen very well through the lesson.  They particularly enjoyed the whole glove/hand, body/spirit part of the lesson.  In the end, we had some downtime, so the parent in the room asked them what they learned.  The only response... "Easter bunny!"  ...yeah.

  

After church, we drove over to my parents' house and had an Easter dinner with the family.  We brought over a monster Easter egg kit we had bought with some hard boiled eggs and invited the family to participate.  Doug has been anti-picture taking of himself lately and would NOT pose for any pictures, but he did agree to take some of me.  The only problem... a HUGE piece of green something stuck in my teeth.  He didn't notice it AT ALL and I didn't see it until I was going through the pictures on my camera a week later.  Here is a far away shot that you can't see the stuff stuck in my teeth...

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week, April 24-30 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 

I was reading the April 2011 issue of the Ensign LDS Church magazine earlier this month and to my surprise it had an article titled, "Faith and Infertility"  Usually you don't hear too much on infertility from The Church.  No one really talks about it and people at church can sometimes be pretty insensitive on the topic without meaning it.

I highly suggest reading the Ensign article.  If you don't have time to read the whole thing, please read this short excerpt:

[...] many people facing infertility look for the reason behind the struggle and sometimes blame themselves. Such thoughts and feelings can sting even more when others make well-intended but hurtful comments, often laced with misguided beliefs.

For instance, Melody Linton recalls sitting in testimony meeting and hearing new mothers say things like, “God trusted me enough to bless me with this baby.”

“I can understand why they said it,” Melody admits. “It’s a fair statement. But in my situation without a child, I couldn’t help but think, ‘God doesn’t trust me.’

Back in February 2010, about two months after my miscarriage, I chatted with a well-meaning sister at church, who was a glowing seven months pregnant and had a toddler playing at her feet.  She was being friendly and trying to get to know me better. 

Her: "I've seen you around church, but I just haven't introduced myself. Have you been in the ward long?"  
Me: "Yes, a little over two years now.  I work with your daughter in Activity Day Girls." 
Her: "Oh, I didn't realize... So are you married?"
Me: "Yes, for almost five years now."
Her: "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No."
Her: "So, do you not WANT kids or... has it just not happened yet?"
Me: "Uh, it just hasn't happened."
Her: "Oh."

I could tell she felt embarrassed and uncomfortable.  There was an awkward silence and she started  digging in her diaper bag for something.  Thank goodness the group part of the lesson ended at that moment and the teacher started talking.  I thought about leaving the room then and taking a moment to cry in the restroom, but I was able to pull myself together rather quickly and unnoticed.  I made a swift exit from Relief Society as soon as the "Amen" from the closing prayer sounded.

A few months ago my period was over a week late and I thought for sure I was pregnant.  A sister that I have worked closely with in the ward asked me, out of the blue, one day, "Are you pregnant?"  I stared down at my stomach in disbelief and I whispered back unable to contain it, "I don't know, but I hope so!" with a big smile on my face.  My period started that night.  It turns out I was just stressed about completing report cards on time.  The next Sunday she looked at me expectantly hoping for good news.  I simply responded, "Not this month."  She replied with, "You just need to relax a little.  Don't worry about it so much.  It WILL happen."  I gave the deflated response, "Yeah, I hope so."

I'm participating in the "Bust a Infertility Myth Blog Challenge." The challenge was given by  Resolve.org, the National Infertility Organization.  Here's a response to a common myth from their site.

Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant.

Busted!:  If only it were that easy! The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems.

For those who are interested in knowing more about infertility, you can visit this link: Infertility 101

I want to leave you with another quote from the Ensign article that I think applies to a lot more than just infertility.

“One of the gospel principles I’ve learned to appreciate through our experience is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us,” Dave adds. “Sometimes we get caught up in the one-size-fits-all mentality, and we feel that our lives should look like other people’s lives. But that’s really not true. Everyone has different trials, and Heavenly Father is aware of those. If we are humble enough to follow the plan He has for us, we’ll be happy.”

Activity Days

My calling in church right now is in the Primary with the Activity Days girls. I work with the 8-11 year old girls on the first and third Tuesday each month. On Tuesday this week, we had a "T-Party" because we've been focusing on testimonies, talents, and temples as of lately. The girls' moms were invited and we had played a little mother/daughter newlywed-ish game. I unexpectedly needed to run the activity because the other leader's 3 little ones all got sick the day before. It worked out okay, even though it kind of stressed me out taking over such a big activity on short notice (the day before)... but I understand that kids get sick and it's never convenient.

Anyways, the reason I'm blogging about this is because I actually did something somewhat crafty for like the FIRST time in my life and I wanted to show it off a little. We had each one of the girls write a compliment about the other girls in Activity days. I combined all of the individual compliments onto a little bookmark for each one of the girls. Most of them probably will be crumpled up into a corner of their room shortly, but hopefully it will ne meaningful to just one of them.

Here are some pictures of them: