Where do you envision yourself in 10 years?

Yep that's me!  Ten-years-ago-me from an extra little section in my senior yearbook.  I was cleaning the bookshelf in my bedroom the other day when I decided to do a little reminiscing and flip through my yearbook.  I totally forgot about this picture and my answer.  Poor past me... she didn't realize how tough it would be to get pregnant.  

I remember telling my friend that was taking this picture that I would probably have more than *just* two kids in 10 years, but she decided to edit me a little.  I also remember people asking about me getting married because I didn't even mention it... I knew that would happen... I guess I just always dreamed about the being a mom part.

Here, I guess I can edit this a little for accuracy's sake.

Living Nine Months in the Future

Many people, when they're facing a challenge in their life, say that they're just taking it "day by day."

I wish that was me.

I'm not one of those people that can just let things happen.  I am a planner.  Whenever Doug and I were purchasing our house three years ago, I was on planner overdrive.  I actually created an excel spreadsheet and gave it the name, "Life Plan."  My mom chuckled from the kitchen and Doug rolled his eyes, but I was determined to have things ALL figured out.  I didn't want something to happen that I wasn't ready for.

I created a complex spreadsheet that listed the amortization schedule for our mortgage, our current salaries, very conservative estimates for salary increases, savings account balances, and major life events.  In my perfect life plan, I was supposed to get pregnant within 3 months of going off birth control and have my first baby in or around May of 2010.  In my mind I had it broken down into even more detail.  The baby would be a boy born on May 25, 2010 in the early morning.  Yeah... If that was all I planned, then I probably would still be considered "normal," but my spreadsheet did not end there. In fact, I planned and recorded the birth order of the rest of my children; in March 2012 (girl), June 2014 (boy), and April 2016 (girl).  I had the next 30 years or so years of my life planned out.  I was ready for life to happen.

Now life DID happen... just not the way I planned it.

Now I'm not crazy... REALLY I'm not... I did realize that things wouldn't happen EXACTLY the way that I planned out in my excel spreadsheet, but I didn't think I'd be so far off track.

Trying to get pregnant has been so frustrating.  I wish I didn't want it so much or that I could stop thinking about it.  Lately, I've just felt like I want to give up.  Last month I stopped taking the prenatal vitamins that I had been taking daily for the last year and a half.  I put the thermometer that was in my nightstand back in the medicine cabinet.  I haven't purchased a pregnancy test in months.  I've stopped crying the day that I get my period... even if it happens on my birthday. (Yeah, I'm 27 and still no kids... didn't think that would happen.)  I can't say that I've stopped visiting BabyCenter.com's Due Date Calculator though.

I'm living nine months in the future.

In January, it was October for me.  I dreamed of wearing a Dr. Seuss Halloween costume with "Thing 2" on my big belly as I walked around the track at school with my fourth graders following for our annual book character parade.

In February, I was gearing up for Thanksgiving in my mind.  I pictured myself making mashed potatoes with a baby strapped to the front of me.  I was thinking of how great it would be to plan fall birthday parties.

Now in March, I'm thinking of December.  I'm hoping to be fat for Christmas pictures.

Weekend Adventure

In an attempt to try to be interesting people and do interesting things, Doug and I went to the International Spy Museum in Washington DC.  We got a great deal on tickets and decided to go for it.  It was tons of fun and I totally recommend it.  We took on secret identities, underwent training, and then went on a top secret mission.  Unfortunately though, they didn't allow photography, so our experience was picture-less.  We got t-shirts and free key chains that say, "Deny Everything."

We walked around for a little while in DC.  I really can't understand why someone would want to live in a city.  I just felt unsafe the whole time.  Maybe I was still in spy mode... We walked to Chinatown which is right around the corner from the Spy Museum and ate had some authentic Chinese food.  (Is it authentic if it's in Chinatown and not China?)  Every single time we ordered something off the menu, she would respond, "Anything else? ...anything else? ...anything else?" in her accent.  My sesame chicken was really good.  Doug's noodily swamp of chicken something or other made my stomach turn just looking at it.

I'm already planning all of things that I am going to do this summer.  I have a to do list on my phone.  Some ideas include staying in a Bed and Breakfast in Berkeley, WV; going camping at New Germany State Park; driving Skyline Drive and going to Luray Caverns; seeing the baby leopards at the National Zoo; and maybe a trip to somewhere outside of the states... I started the paperwork for a passport, not because I have plans, just because I WANT to have plans.  Also included on my to do list is making my house more homey by doing things like painting and maybe buying a few decorative items.  I'm seriously thinking about offering babysitting or tutoring in exchange for someone to tell me how to decorate my house.  That's right... just tell me how to do it.  I'm indecisive and the amount of decisions that I will need to make might kill me.  I just want it done.

I just need to the weather to warm up soon.  Spring, where are you?

A Plan

I've known that this unfortunate anniversary has been coming up for a while now and I've been dreading it.  I had really been on the fence about whether or not I wanted to share, but while I was visiting Doug's grandma she put a printout of this article in my hands to read.  It portrayed writing as therapy, so here it goes.

Christmas morning 2009, eight months ago, I woke up and jumped out of bed. We had been trying for several months to get pregnant, I had religiously been taking my prenatal vitamins… and I was a week late. I had already wasted several of those overpriced pee sticks, so I had made myself wait this time. Doug was still sleeping, so I tiptoed to the bathroom, turned on the nightlight, and took the test.

Two very clear dark pink lines, a positive result.

I ran to tell Doug, who honestly seemed a tad bit more nervous than excited.

I then started brainstorming all of the fun ways I could tell my parents that Christmas morning and even Googled for ideas online. I couldn’t really find anything that could be done without advance preparation, so I found an empty box, wrapped it, and put a label on it – To: Family.

We arrived at my parents' house and I did everything I could to hurry the family to the basement for opening presents. Present after present I waited, until we came to the last present. From: Jenny and Doug, To: Family. My dad opened the box, dug through all of the tissue paper, and then looked at me with a confused face when he had found nothing. I announced to the family that, “Our present won’t be arriving for another 8 months or so…(silence and blank stares)... I’m pregnant!!!”  I then called all of my sisters who were ecstatic. I was literally floating.  It was amazing to think that a little life was beginning inside of me.

The last few crappy months of my husband having to live away from home for work, my car breaking down and being unfixable, my childhood best friend dying in a sudden car accident, and my new kitten being tragically killed in my home were over. I was pregnant and things were going to be good again.

Then a little more than 24 hours later, I started bleeding.  My pregnancy bliss ended rather quickly.

My doctor confirmed it. I had been pregnant for 5 weeks and 5 days. 

Please don’t ask me when I’m going to have kids.

I was supposed to have a baby TODAY.

I’m still not pregnant.

It turns out that the Lord has a plan for me.

It just happens to be different from the one that I had for me.