Thank You, Mom

Let's rewind 12 or so years back... I'm in the height of my teenage years and like most teenage girls, I fought with my mom. I remember this one in particular because of the guilt and shame afterward.

I made my mom cry.

We were getting out of the car after my mom had driven me home from one of the many activities she carted me to and from each day. I was angry because she was "always bragging about me." I still remember the harsh words as they came out of my teenage mouth. "Mom! The ONLY reason you brag about me is because you have no REAL accomplishments of your own!"

Ouch.

Here's a picture of my mom sleeping in the car around this same time period.
She probably had just dropped off one kid and was waiting for the next one to get in the car. 

Fast forward to now.

This week, I was sitting in a group of mommies with babies similar in age to Leah. We were all talking about what our babies were doing and the mommy problems we were having. I didn't realize it until after the mommy I was talking to moved over to talk to another mommy. She wasn't trying to be rude, but I realized pretty quickly that I probably had been talking too much... and probably even bragging. :/

My cheeks flushed red with embarrassment for a brief moment and I silently chided myself - Jen, you need to be a better listener. LISTEN, DON'T TALK! - (This self-talk happens frequently.) I played silently with Leah on the carpet and smiled listening to the other moms in conversation in the room... but I was embarrassed. Then the memory of the argument with my mom resurfaced. 

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I am now just starting to understand what I didn't all those years ago. Being a stay at home mom is a thankless task and your children are your accomplishments. There is no annual evaluation that comes with a shiny star and no raise. Your job fulfillment comes from seeing your child/children progress.

Yes, THEY are the ones scooting forward on their own, but gosh darn it... YOU were the one dangling the toy and changing the diapers and feeding them and bathing them and and...

YES, as a teenager, I was the one that practiced, that worked hard, that made good decisions, etc. BUT, my mom was the one on the sidelines. She stayed up late listening to me talk about my day. She made cookies for my friends. She carted me everywhere I needed to go. She made sure I was fed, clothed, sheltered...

I guess I just want to say, "Thank you, Mom."

...and I'm sorry for all the crappy things I said as a teenager. Leah will probably get me back.

I still need to work on the less bragging and MORE listening. Unfortunately, that's just my personality flaw and it's something that I'll probably have to actively work on for the rest of my life. 

It's just so dang hard when your daughter is as amazing as Leah. ;-) 

Lesson learned learning.

Potty Training Adventures

WARNING: Potty terms will be used in the blog post below. Read at your own risk!

What??

Yes, that's right. I'll start from the beginning...

Leah started sitting in her Bumbo at around 6 weeks. I noticed that each time, I put her in it in the morning she would go poo in it. I thought it was funny and we started calling it her "poopy seat." At the reunion in July, I showed my family Leah's "little trick" and my sister Heather said that it was great and it should be easy to potty train her.

About a month after the reunion, I was bored one day, so I decided to search for Bumbo potty training seats. One came up on Amazon and I read the reviews. In the reviews it mentioned that the Bumbo toilet seat was perfect for "infant" potty training. I posted a link to it on my sister's wall on Facebook and she said that it couldn't hurt to try. I still didn't act on it because the idea of potty training a baby seemed kind of ridiculous to be honest. About two weeks ago, I got bored once again and decided to just go for it and buy the seat. If she didn't use it, fine. She could just use it later when she was ready. No money wasted.

I bought it and it was shipped to me the next day. Love Amazon! I wasn't in a hurry and waited until the evening to even open the box. I put the little seat on the toilet, took off Leah's diaper, and just sat her on it. We read her favorite book, played with some toys, and nothing happened. She was comfy and just kind of hung out on it like she was sitting in her actual Bumbo. Oh well. No big loss. I put her diaper back on her and we went about our day.

The next morning, I put her on it and about a minute after she sat on it, she went pee. I was so excited that I started clapping and I actually scared her. :) I picked her up off the seat, praised her, hugged her, and then put a diaper back on her. I tried periodically throughout the day just randomly putting her on the seat. The next time she actually went poo. I never thought I could be so excited about a bowel movement. It is a sure sign that I have become a mommy. She went about four times that day with just randomly putting her on the toilet.

The next day didn't go as well, so I decided that I needed to study her to look for cues. We've now had the potty seat a week and some days are more successful than others. I never get upset if she has a wet or poopy diaper. It feels like an experiment at this stage. The good thing is that I rarely change poopy diapers. Maybe once every other day. When she poops in her diaper, she gets REALLY upset, like inconsolable, and I have to actually nurse her to calm her down. We haven't had this happen when we are out and about yet. I'm worried I might have to start carrying this seat around. She doesn't really have peeing in the toilet down. If we catch it, it's by luck. I'm trying to figure out what cues she gives before she wets her diaper. Poopy is easy because she usually has gas and I just walk her to the toilet.

Now I read somewhere that doctors say that babies under the age of one do not actually have control on their bowels. All I know is that I put Leah on the toilet and she goes... Most of the time right away. It's really quite unreal.

My main reasoning for doing this is purely financial. I've already cut down on the amount of diapers I've been using by about a third. It's mostly work for me because I'm the one that has to read her cues and put her on the toilet. I've heard of some pretty terrible potty training nightmare stories from parents and I'm just trying to get her used to the potty so maybe it won't be so foreign when it is time to "officially" potty train her. We'll see. This is just my latest adventure in mommyhood.

Perspective

Doug has been traveling for work since the family reunion and he won't be back until the12th. Taking care of an almost four month old is pretty time consuming. Leah is a mover and basically isn't content unless she is physically moving, nursing, or sleeping. The only reason I get a shower most days is because of an amazing contraption called the Jenny Jump Up. I get about 5-10 minutes with that. Who knew that being able to brush your hair would become a luxury?!

I'm not writing this post to complain about my current situation... although I guess I'm getting to do that too. :) I wanted to write down some of what I've been thinking about these few weeks because a 4 month old isn't much of a conversationalist.

A little over a week ago, I almost threw in the towel on being a stay at home mom. I guess there were probably several factors involved, but the one that was on the forefront of my mind was my complete inability to get ANYTHING done.

Leah was nap striking. She would sleep in my lap and next to me on my bed. I would try to sneak away, but she would wake up within a few seconds of me leaving her side. About the only time I had to myself was when I needed to use the bathroom and she was usually screaming about 10 feet away.

I happened to know about a first grade position at the elementary school less than a mile from my house. I was about to unresign my position and try to apply.

You see, I've been a stay at home mom now a little over 4 months and my kitchen is still HALF painted. It's been that way for OVER a year and it makes me feel like a complete failure. It's a dumb thing to stress about, but whatever. When you're home A LOT, you start to see a bunch of things that you'd like to get done (and Pinterest only exacerbates the problem).

So when was my turning point? When did I gain my perspective? Well, I guess there have been a few things...

First, a grandbaby of someone in my ward died of SIDS. (Worst freaking nightmare of any new mom) She was just a few days older than Leah and we actually met. I was nursing Leah in the mother's room at church and this mom came in. We talked for a while and I just remember the mom snuggling her little girl and whispering to her, "I love you. I love you. I love you." I remember thinking that Leah was huge compared to this baby that was a similar age.

The day I found out, I was bouncing Leah in a little bouncer in front of me and browsing Facebook. I immediately put my phone down and just hugged and squeezed my little girl. I've always snuggled my little Leah, but I started doing it even more. I treasure our time together (even though we do get A LOT of it).

Another thing that changed things for me was joining a Facebook group for moms in the small town that I live in. I've met lots of my neighbors and made new friends. I've learned about all the neat little events that go on in my itty bitty town. I've even started going on play dates.. haha.

Up until this point, I've always felt like my house was a temporary place... a stepping stone to my next house that would be bigger, better decorated, have a bigger yard, more garage space, etc. etc... My next house would be my HOME. Well, I've decided that I actually LIKE where I am. It's a great place to raise Leah. It's not perfect, but I'm going to make it my home.

So this weird feeling that I've been getting lately I guess is contentment.

I'm OKAY with the small town where I'm living. My house with it's postage stamp sized lawn, nonexistant driveway, and small bedrooms is just FINE. It's NOT A BIG DEAL that my kitchen is half painted. I will get to it eventually. I'm HAPPY where I am.

Right now, I'm just going to enjoy my time with Leah. She's does something new and amazing just about every day (even if amazing at this point is batting at a toy on purpose). It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also pretty dang rewarding to wake up to her smiling face each morning.

Smiley Unscheduled Leah

I am loving being a mom! There are definitely some moments when it's rough, but I usually just sit there in awe most days over how much I am in love with this little girl.  The other day I was sitting on the couch with her and I thought.. Wow! I made this. How cool is that! 

So what are we up to?

Well after my last post, I skowered the Internet looking for different schedules and I found one that I thought would work for me. (There are some eh hem... Interesting "methods" out there. Just google Denmark's Divas.) The one that I liked was from a book called Baby Wise. I actually heard there was some controversy over the book, but I wanted to at least try it. Now I haven't read the book, but I thought that the 3 hours feeding schedule seemed nice and consistent and I know as a classroom teacher that I like consistency. Consistency makes expectations clear therefore making a more safe and predictable situation. Safety = happy baby, right?

So, I tried it. ...admittedly only for a day, but it was a NIGHTMARE!

New plan.

Do whatever the heck Leah wants until she's a little older.

When she is sleeping, I will let her sleep as long as she likes doesn't matter day or night. When she is hungry, I will feed her. Sounds simple enough... And it's actually working. I'm sure we'll get to a schedule eventually. I think I'm just going to try to be patient and allow it to start happening on its own.

Our major rough time starts around 6pm. I've heard this is called "The Bewitching Hour." She just wants to nurse and fuss and nurse some more. My supply in the evenings is lower, so I've been pumping during her morning nap and giving her a bottle of that in the evenings once she's drained me. There's still a lot of crying, but it's improving gradually.

Hmmm.. What else?

I had my post pardem visit today at 5 weeks. I'm trying out the Depo provera shot as a form of birth control. Pregnancy was good for me emotionally besides the morning sickness and huge uncomfortableness toward the end. The Depo shot mimics the hormones in a placenta, so it seemed like a good enough choice. If I have any adverse side effects for the next 3 months that it lasts, I guess I can just switch to something else. The best news of the appointment is that my doctors says that it is possible that pregnancy could have "cured" my endometriosis!  She sent me an email today after our appointment and decided that she wanted to schedule me to a follow-up ultrasound just to check things out. I'm feeling optimistic about my chance for future pregnancies!

After the appointment, I decided to stop by the school since its pretty close to my doctor's office. I texted my long term sub to see if it would be okay and then I headed over after my appointment. It was SO nice to see everyone and show them Leah. I was hanging out in the teachers lounge and the kids had no clue I was in the school, so we decided it would be funny if I just went to the cafeteria to pick them up from lunch.

They.  FLIPPED.  OUT.    In a good way of course. :)

I stayed around for recess as well since it was a nice day, but none of my kids wanted to play. They were just mobbing around Leah and I the whole time. I felt like Justin Bieber. ;)

Once I was home I thought Leah would crash HARD. She had already been awake for FIVE hours by the time I got home, so I put her in her crib and she just started smiling and cooing, so I got these great pictures. Seeing this little girl smile just melts me!

Schedule, Pleeease?

Motherhood has really been wonderful so far. Yes, there are definitely the sleepless nights, but this little girl is incredible. Some nights when I finally get her to sleep, I just stop and watch her for a while (even though I am incredibly tired) and think about how amazing it is that I helped create this little girl.

The thing that I am missing now is some semblance of a schedule. I do realize that scheduling a newborn is probably along the same line as herding cats, but I have always done best with a schedule. Early last week, I was having a hard time feeling productive... and when I don't feel productive I can sink into a mini depression. (I don't think this was post pardem depression.) It happens sometimes during my summers off work. I know now that my new job is taking care of my little Leah, but I couldn't help wonder, "Is this my life now?"

Feed, Sleep, Change Diaper - repeat.

I know that newborns don't stay newborns forever and that I should just enjoy this snugly phase before it's gone. Don't worry, I am definitely getting in several hours a day of snuggle time! I just need to feel like I have something to SHOW for the time that has passed. I know I will not be able to accomplish nearly the amount of stuff I could pre-mommihood, but it'd be nice to accomplish more than pulling the wind up chain on my cuckoo clock from Germany each day.

I decided to calculate how the hours in my 24 hour day are spent.

1. Leah sleeps at this point for about 18 hours a day. - So she's awake 6 hours.
2. Let's say I get 8 hours of sleep (not consecutive, of course!)
3. I nurse Leah about 12 times a day for around 30 minutes each session - 6 hours
4. 6 + 8 + 6 = 20 hours of "busy" time.
5. 24 - 20 = 4 hours

Wow! Now THAT is a full time job! And WOW, I really have 4 WHOLE hours to myself. The possibilities are limitless! ;)

I sat down today at my computer (during a portion of my 4 hours) and tried to put together a schedule while Leah was napping. I'm not going to share it because it's probably pretty ridiculous and rigid at this point, but it's nice to know that EVENTUALLY we will get to some sort of schedule and I can be OK with my unscheduled, unproductive life right now.

I guess I can spend some of my 4 hours of "ME time" each day snuggling with Leah.

I'm posting from my iPad which only allows me to put the pictures at the end of the post, so here are some pictures of my little snuggler who's peaceful and doll-like while sleeping, but rather grumpy in the mornings. She loves her little play gym and even makes faces at the mirror. We also do some tummy time each day which wears her out! :)

I Will Never...

Before I was a mom, I tried to stay away from the, "I will NEVER do ____ when I'm a parent!" statements. First, because I felt like I couldn't really make a judgement on such a thing until I was a parent myself and second because I didn't want to end up being wrong. :)

BUT, there was ONE statement that I felt was the exception to this rule...

I will NEVER let the baby sleep in MY bed. Babies belong in their cribs from the FIRST night home from the hospital, right?!? A baby in your bed is not only dangerous. (You could smother your baby while you sleep!) A baby in your bed will interfere with your marriage. No privacy for... ya know?! Your child will end up sleeping in your bed until they start kindergarten. Your kid will be that one that is needy and clings to mommy and refuses to socialize because you've made them completely codependent.

I don't want to RUIN my baby.

FIRST night home from the hospital... Baby monitors are set up. We got the high tech ones, but not the highest tech with like video monitoring (We're not THOSE parents!) We're in bed by 8:30pm and Leah is sleeping peacefully in her cradle IN THE NURSERY. She hasn't stirred, she's warm, her belly is full, her diaper is clean, she's been burped, etc... I've set the alarm for 3 hours so I can wake up and nurse her if she doesn't wake me up first. I can now enjoy a peaceful nights' rest in my own bed without all of the noisy interruptions from the hospital.

8:32pm - Wait?! DID YOU HEAR THAT? (Check on Leah, who is still sleeping peacefully.) I decide to stay and watch her sleep for about 5 minutes just to make sure. She's fine. I can go back to bed. Can I turn up the sensitivity on these monitors? They're already at their max setting, huh? Well, I guess I can sleep with it on my ear instead of on my night stand. Back to sleep. (I'm not going to be one of those crazy moms!)

9:30 pm - Wait?! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! The monitor is registering no sound. I'll just go and check on her to be sure. The second I open the door, I hear choking and see Leah struggling in her cradle to breathe. Her face isn't quite changing colors, but she definitely has a spit-up like mucus in her mouth that is preventing her from breathing, I grab her in one quick scoop and frantically pat her back to get her breathing again. She is fine within seconds. Immediately, the picture of a cold, still infant flashes in my brain. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins. I'm no longer the least bit tired. What if I hadn't checked on her???

I calm Leah down by cuddling her and then nursing her to sleep. I google on my phone for infants choking on spit-up. One article come up that says it's impossible because a baby will turn its head to the side before it chokes. I feel relieved, but keep on searching. I come upon a babycenter message board. Several mothers are in a discussion about the same thing. One is staying that she had to call an ambulance to resuscitate her child after a similar incident. Oh my gosh! How am I going to sleep knowing that my child could choke any second and I wouldn't be able to hear it on the monitor?

Wait, she had mucus in her mouth. Could that be a sign of cystic fibrosis? (My brother passed away from cystic fibrosis unexpectedly as an infant.) I tested positive as a carrier. We don't know if Doug is a carrier. Her results will not be back for two weeks... I remember my grandma saying that my brother's skin was salty. (Taste Leah's skin... not salty) Okay.

I bring a blanket into the nursery and "sleep" the rest of the night on the floor next to the cradle.

Doug wakes up around 4:30 am and finds me in the nursery. He sends me to bed, takes away the monitor, and then promises to stay in the nursery. I am asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

9:30 am - I wake up in a panic. Has it really been 5 hours?!? I run into the nursery to find Leah perfectly content and Doug getting ready to do a diaper change. I let Doug know about the 3 hour nursing rule and he looks at me like I'm crazy.

Doug - "You mean that while she is nursing, you will have no longer than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep?!?"

Me - "Yeah, 1-3 hours. That's what they say you should do."

Doug - "I say they're out of their freaking minds! If a baby is sleeping, you don't wake it up!"

The cradle was in our room by the next night. Right now, Doug only sleeps in our bedroom on nights where he won't be working the next day. His job is such that he needs to get a full night's rest because mistakes can mean rather serious consequences. He's sleeping two floors down in the guest bedroom in the basement. (Lucky him! ...I'm actually okay with this situation and came up with this solution myself.)

Tuesday morning, he came up to shower and found Leah in bed with me. It had started innocently at first with me just wanting to nurse her in bed. She would wake up each time I tried to put her back in the cradle, so I just ended up moving her about a foot from me after finishing nursing her and then going to bed. Doug then tells me this horror story about a guy that he works with. Apparently, this guy's wife fell asleep with their newborn son in bed and accidentally smothered him in her sleep. Doug said that the guy talked about how he would never forget the wailing sobs of his wife or the cold feeling of his son.

OH MY GOSH! I almost killed my baby! What was I freaking thinking?!?

Tuesday night... Leah WILL NOT sleep in her crib, in her cradle, in her swing, in her bouncer. She will NOT sleep anywhere! Oh my gosh, is it possible for a child to nurse for 4 straight hours?!? (The answer to that question unfortunately is YES.) I give up around 4:30am and erect a fort of pillows around her on our king size bed. I nurse her and lay her down and she... STAYS asleep. I watch her sleep peacefully for a little while and then pass out myself on my cordoned off portion of the bed.

It is a week later and we are now practicing co-sleeping. I've decided that for the next couple of weeks we are going to treat this like a fourth trimester... Life as similar as possible to life in the womb. I'll try on weekends to get her back into the crib, but for right now, we're working for survival.

I've decided that there isn't just ONE right way for this mom stuff. We will do what works for us.

Being a mom is definitely a challenge, but I love it anyway... In a crazy, sleep-deprived loving way.

Leah's Birth Story

Leah was born last Wednesday, April 10th a little before midnight! Her actual due date wasn't until April 11. This was very unexpected considering that everyone in my family so far has had their babies late. (I, myself, came 3 weeks late!) I've been meaning to get this up here for some time, but it turns out babies are actually a lot of work!

I'll start on Tuesday, April 9. My mom and I had been working on a nursing gown that I could wear in the hospital once I had Leah. I figured that was high priority since it was to go in the hospital bag, so I headed over to my parents' house to "help" my mom work on it. Once I got there, I discovered that my mom's visiting teachers were over, so I just had to sit on the couch and wait. I was feeling pretty restless and finally decided that I was going to vacuum and clean out the interior of my car... 9 months pregnant! It was actually a pretty hot day and I stopped several times to get a drink of water. I believe it was then that I was feeling a "tightening" but I figured it was just Leah stretching out.

Each Tuesday, my friend Caitlin and I do a "Girls' Night Out" while her husband is doing a duty shift as a volunteer fire fighter. We had some extra invitees from work, so Caitlin made a delicious chicken dish and I made strawberry shortcake for desert. After dinner, we were sitting around chatting when I realized that I had consistently been feeling a tightening in my abdomen. While we were in the middle of talking, I grabbed my friend Trisha's hand and said, "Can you feel that?!?" She said she could, but since I wasn't in pain we just decided that it must be Braxton-Hicks contractions.

As I drove home later, I realized that I was having these tightening feelings pretty regularly so I voice googled on my phone what the difference between Braxton-Hicks and real contractions were. I read the article at a stop light and that's when I thought I might be in labor for the first time. Once I got home, I decided to download a free app that would allow me to see the timing between these mysterious tightening sensations that were starting to hurt a little more each time. When I started timing around 10pm, they were about 7 minutes apart and continued at pretty regular intervals all through the night waking me up each time.

Doug had already been asleep whenever I got home, so I didn't want to wake him until I knew for sure that this wasn't false labor. It was around 2:30 am when my contractions were around 5 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. I called the advice nurse hotline and the lady told me that I should continue to labor at home for 2 hours. 2 hours?!? The contractions had worsened to the point that I couldn't talk during them. I thought there would be more urgency considering that I had followed the directions so well and waited to call. I kindly let the woman on the phone know that we lived an hour away from the hospital thinking that she might have me leave earlier, but she gave me the SAME directions...

Fast forward an hour and a half... OUCH! Contractions hurt! I woke Doug up at 4 am and told him that I was in labor and we needed to leave in 30 minutes and that he might want to shower. He got right up, without panicking one bit, and listened to my directions. Once he was out of the shower, I had him load everything into the car while I showered myself. We got in the car and drove to the hospital obeying all traffic laws... Well mostly anyway.

I remember thinking the whole time that I thought it would be more intense and exciting and well... more fast-paced, but there we were just hanging out, talking in the car, driving to the hospital to have a baby.

We got to the hospital around 5 am and went in the emergency room entrance since labor and delivery wasn't open yet. The whole place was empty and they had me checked in and in a wheelchair and carted to labor and delivery in no time. I got in the gown, peed in the cup, and they started an IV on me with antibiotics since I was strep B positive. There was a shift change right after we got there, so we ended up getting a new nurse and doctor barely after meeting the first ones. When we were admitted, I was 2 and a half centimeters dilated and 70% effaced. The nurse asked me a million questions and after that we were to just hang out and wait. I let the nurse know right off that I was going to get an epidural when the time was right, but I wanted to be 3-4 cm dilated before doing so. (Because I had read that was a good time.)

Funny side story... While we were "hanging out" waiting for me to progress, I started gagging during a particularly painful contraction and Doug couldn't find a barf bucket anywhere. I was making pretty horrendous gagging sounds and there were no nurses in sight and he frantically tried to call one down. He saw behind my bed two different buttons, one said CODE and he knew he shouldn't push that one, so he pushed the other one that said ASSIST. Within a few seconds, we had every nurse on the floor rushing into our room. We were taken care of rather quickly and then shown this handy dandy little remote dangling next to my bed that had a nurse call button. Oops! Our first nurse had not shown us how to get a nurse before her shift was over.

After I finished the first dose of antibiotics (around 8am), they told me that Doug and I could walk around the labor and delivery wing for an hour to help me progress a little faster. By this point the contractions had worsened to the point that they were pretty terrible and an hour of walking did not seem like much fun, but I wanted Leah to get here, so we started walking. Doug was awesome at holding my hand and rubbing my back through the contractions. I figured that there would be several walking moms in labor in the hallway, but we were the ONLY ones. After about 30 minutes, I was crying on my hands and knees in the hall for every contraction and I was getting annoyed that everyone else in the wing seemed to be chatting happily with guests in their room. I kept on telling Doug in between contractions, "Why is no one else walking?! Are we doing this the HARD way? I want to do it the EASY way!" (Doug said I was getting "pretty grumpy.")

It was around 9 am and we were finally back in the room after all of my "hard work" and my nurse asked if I wanted the epidural. I said yes, but I wanted to be 3-4 cm dilated, but no one had checked me in a while. She then told me that the anesthesiologist was right nearby and if she didn't start the paperwork, it might be a while. This alarmed me quite a bit, so I just said, "Yes, I'll get it now." The anesthesiologist and nurse were in there in no time and Doug was out of the room rather quickly due to his needle phobia. They had me hang my legs over the side of the bed, hunch over, and then relax. I felt a little poking I think from them numbing the spot, but then nothing after that. The next thing I knew, it was in and I was laying down. My next contraction I only felt on the right side and then NOTHING. It was amazing! I could still move both of my legs unassisted, but I couldn't feel any contractions. I kept on looking back at the contraction monitor spiking like crazy with a big grin thinking, "I'm glad I can't feel that!"

The doctor for the new shift came in around 10 am and checked me and I was STILL a 2 and a half. I had been laboring consistently for about 13 hours at this point. It was rather depressing news. She said that they would start me on a low dose of pitocin. She gave me an estimate of about 10 pm and said that I should rest up because we would be hanging out for a while. Doug needed to set up some stuff at work, so he left for a little while and I took a nap. Apparently Doug got a lot if flack at work for being there while his wife was in labor. :)

I was making very slow progress all day long and the doctor had gradually been upping the dose of pitocin. It was 7 pm when the doctor came back in to check on me and I was 7 cm dilated. She broke my water and dialed the pitocin to its max dose. When they broke my water, they noticed that there was meconium (baby poo) in it meaning that it could be in Leah's lungs. She was also worried about the size of the baby and told me that I should start mentally preparing for a c-section. I was absolutely devastated. I cried as soon as she left the room. I was trying to think of the positives of having a c-section and the ONLY thing I could think of was that Leah wouldn't have a cone-shaped head!

After my water broke, I started feeling contractions again, but I'm sure no where near their full strength because of the epidural. There was a button that I could push to up the drugs for the epidural, but I refused to do so because I was determined to push this baby out and not have a c-section. I didn't want the epidural to dull the sensation to push when it was time.

I tried to relax. I looked at the contraction monitor and tried to visualize Leah moving down and my body progressing with each contraction. I prayed silently that everything would go okay and that regardless of the way that she got here (hopefully a vaginal delivery) that I just wanted her here safe and healthy.

Around 10 pm, my nurse left and told me that she was going to get my doctor to check me to see if I had progressed any. About 30 seconds after she left the room, I felt like I was going to get sick. I mumbled that I needed something to throw up in to Doug who responded, "Speak clearly, I can't understand you when you mumble!" Haha. I think he started getting it due to my body language and was able to get me what I needed just in time. (I was really regretting that yummy lemon flavored Italian shaved ice pop I ate earlier!)

The doctor and nurse came in the door a few minutes later and checked me and I was a 10!!! Leah was ready to come into this world. Pushing apparently can take a while, so the doctor left again (I think she had been napping somewhere.) and my nurse had me start pushing with each contraction. I realized that I was more in charge during this part because my pushes were more productive when I felt the urge to push. (I guess something that will help me next time!) Doug and I had discussed ahead of time that he would be "up front" at my head looking into my eyes and holding my hand. Well, no one told the nurse, so he ended up holding one of my legs with a front row seat to all of the pushing and the birth.

Soon after he had been enlisted to help, we made eye contact and our communication exchange was rather clear. He looked at me with this look that said, "I don't want to be doing this!" and I looked right back at him with the SAME look. We came to the quick consensus that neither of us would be getting out of our respective roles. Doug's facial expressions during labor were pretty unforgettable. :) He didn't looked sickened or grossed out like I thought he would be. He had this look of complete shock and amazement.

I pushed for about 30 minutes before Leah made her grand entrance into the world at 8 pounds 10 ounces and 21.25 centimeters long. Leah came into this world grunting from the meconium. They showed her to me and then rushed her over to a table in the room to be suctioned and checked out. They handed her back to me within a few minutes, so that I could try breastfeeding. She surprisingly latched right on a nursed voraciously for several minutes until the next team came in to bathe her, do the eye goop, and a vitamin D shot.

I love her!