Progress!

Yesterday, I ordered all the furniture for the nursery! I'm getting a convertible crib with a three position mattress, a shorter dresser that will be good as a diaper changing station, and a glider and ottoman. All for under $600! I'm a little nervous about it all matching. I'm pretty sure from the reviews that the dresser and crib will match, but I'm unsure about the glider. The crib and dresser are an espresso cherry and I decided to go with the cherry glider rather than the espresso one.

I always say that I'm taking this one kid at a time, but I'm hoping to be able to use all of this furniture for our next one if we are blessed once again. During this last doctor's appointment, I talked to my doctor about future pregnancies. She said that I will basically be on some form of hormonal birth control to treat the endometriosis for the rest of my life unless I am pregnant, but that I should be able to get pregnant again.

The nice thing about pregnancy is that it actually TREATS the disease. They've been keeping an eye on my endometrioma during each ultrasound and it's actually showing the improvement that my doctor wanted to see with the Depo Lupron that put me through a temporary menopause earlier this year. So far, pregnancy has been much better than menopause because I'll get a baby at the end!

The furniture will be here in a couple weeks. Hopefully, I'll be able to decide on a nursery color (most likely a light green that is a warmer-ish shade) and paint the walls while the room is still empty.

This will all seem a little more real once I have a genuine nursery set up!

Busy

...doing nothing. I'm at the in laws' house and apparently pregnant women are mentally and physically disabled. I was going to help bring a suitcase (like scooting it on its wheels along the ground) out to the car and it was a little icy. Doug says to me, "I'll take care of this. You were a klutz before you were pregnant. Now you're a walking disaster waiting to happen." I think I may be developing a very slight waddle.

I've been reading Atlas Shrugged since this summer. It is REALLY long and I haven't had time to read since school started. At least it's keeping me busy. I have a belly shot with my book. Leah moves around a lot, so the book bounces around on my belly as I read.

I'm also doing some color scheme things for Leah's nursery. I think of purple whenever I think of the name Leah, but the baby industry has more pink available (which I like anyway) so I think I'm going to go with a pink, green, brown color scheme. I don't really want any bright colors in the nursery because I want it to be a calming place. I found this app called Color Concept by Glidden Professional. It's free and a pretty cool way to put colors next to each other. You basically start with a picture that you like and pull colors out of it. This is my current brainstorm, but I'm not sure if it will end up brighter than I want if I use these colors. I'm also wondering if I'll need more variety than I currently have. Any input?

What else... Last night before I was going to bed, I was thinking, "Today, I'm 25 weeks. That's a little more than halfway! Yay! :) Then my brain realized, Ahh! That means you only have 15 weeks left!" I haven't painted or ordered furniture for the nursery yet, so I guess I better get on that. I HAVE cleared out the room that will become the nursery, so I guess that's something.

All this down time has given me time to think about this big transition I'm about ready to go through. I only have 3 months or around 11 weeks left of teaching which is pretty unreal!

I guess things will be getting pretty busy here in a little while, so I should just enjoy this down time while I have it.

Choroid Plexus Cysts

About three weeks ago, I got the anatomy scan that you usually get around 20 weeks. We were overjoyed and surprised to find that we were having a girl. (I had been thinking boy all along!) I remember back to the ultrasound thinking that the ultrasound technician was being REALLY thorough. Doug and I were in there for almost an hour!

I remember during the ultrasound that the technician kept on measuring these two smallish black spots on the brain, but it didn't alarm me at the time because I know nothing at all about how ultrasounds are supposed to look. They told me at the end of the appointment that results would be back within the week and then I could discuss them with my doctor. I figured if there was anything really bad that the radiologist looking over it would let me know right then, but we were free to go with a smile and a congratulations from my technician.

Fast forward two weeks... I realized that my appointment wasn't for another whole week and I just want to MAKE SURE that everything was okay. I called and the nurse set up a phone appointment with my doctor for that evening. Whenever my doctor called, she seemed confused and told me that she usually does this appointment in person so she can show you the images. I told her that I didn't need the in depth review just yet and that I just wanted to make sure that everything was okay.

She paused for a moment and then said that she doesn't like to talk about ultrasound abnormalities on the phone because her patients usually get really upset. It hadn't even dawned on me at that point that I was the patient she was referring to that might get really upset.

Without warning, she started rambling on about something called choroid plexus cysts. I didn't even realize that she was talking about something that showed up on my baby... I just thought she was talking about some issues that some OTHER babies had sometimes. Then it dawned on me... she was talking about MY BABY. I got a little weak in the knees and started pacing.

She told me that USUALLY the cysts were nothing and that they should go away soon. Their presence is not damaging at all to the baby or her brain and that ALL babies have them, but they usually go away by 20 weeks. The only reason their presence was noted at all is that there is a link between their later presence and some genetic abnormalities (trisomy). EVERYTHING else from the ultrasound was great and that itself was very indicative that everything would be okay. For one thing, babies with trisomy usually curl their fingers and we had several shots of Leah's hands with all five fingers straight out. She told me that it REALLY was probably nothing, but that they were going to schedule a follow-up ultrasound to look again.

She was surprised at how calm I was (more like in shock and unable to speak or react) and said that she would talk to me more in depth in just a week and that they would be scheduling another ultrasound. She made me promise not to do any scary google searches. I promised (mostly because I had no clue how to spell choroid plexus).

I was doing fine, REALLY. My doctor said that there was nothing to worry about and well... She does this for a living, so I had no reason not to trust her. I continued doing fine until Saturday evening when I started worrying. I was talking to my mom about it and suddenly got all emotional. I told her that it didn't matter if anything was wrong with my little girl's brain because I loved her already, but I was worried that it would be something that would shorten her life. I asked my dad to give me a priesthood blessing of healing and comfort that Sunday and I started to feel better.

I had my official appointment with my doctor Tuesday after school. We went over the prior 20 week ultrasound results and everything looked really good besides the cysts. My doctor still was not concerned because nothing else on the ultrasound came up as abnormal. I felt very blessed that there was an appointment the very next day at the ultrasound place, so I wouldn't need to wait and worry any longer.

I went on Wednesday right after school and actually had the same tech as before who was extremely nice and thorough. Leah looked great on the images. She had moved herself out of breech position (which I definitely remember feeling!) and seemed pretty comfortable in a head down position. I talked more with the tech during the scan and before I knew it, she was done and talking to the radiologist. When she came back, I asked her if the cysts were gone. She hesitated at first but then told me they were... and that I didn't hear it from her. ;)

So at this time, I'm especially thankful for good news and for a healthy, active baby girl.

The Name Game

So, our little girl needs to have a name... I've always loved long family names with stories behind them, but I was kind of striking out. I loved many of the names of our little girl's aunts and great aunts, but there are so many of them that most of the names I liked are taken! This little girl will have 9 aunts! Combined with the fact that I've been teaching for 7 years, there were a lot of names put on the chopping block.

Luckily, the one thing that Doug and I have agreed on is that traditional names and Biblical names sound great to both of us. We were set for boy names. I really liked the name Luke Douglas. (and I still plan on using it for any name stealers out there. :P) My dad was already ready to say in his best Darth Vader voice, "chhh, Luke, I am your grandfather!"

Doug has had this mini obsession with Catholicism ever since his site seeing trip to the Vatican about a month ago while he was in Europe, so he put out there that he liked the name Mary. I like it too, but I'm not sure how well I like it with our last name. She might get some "Mary had a Little Lamb" jokes.

Recently, the name that I've fallen in love with is Leah.

Hopefully, I can find a good family middle name to pair it with. Maybe I'll be more sure once we get closer to her due date, but at this point I want to have my options open with a few names. I have this worry that I'll see her and think, "She's not a Leah!"

Now the only question is, do you think Leah will want a pink or purple room???? :)

Sharing the News with my Class! :)

I had been doing parent conferences the first two weeks of November and I was hiding my pregnancy pretty well (or so I thought!). I wanted to tell everyone at the same time. About a week or so before Thanksgiving, I had started to show pretty obviously and had somehow made it into the PTO gossip ring at my school. I decided that it was time to tell my class.

I decided that I was going to ditch the loose clothes and go for belly-hugging shirts starting the Monday the week before Thanksgiving. We had our American Education Week activity that Thursday and my plan was to tell my students in the morning, so that they could tell their parents when they came for the activity before lunch.

I didn't really know how to tell a bunch of 9-10 year olds that I was knocked up, so I was hoping that with all the hints in my clothing that week they would be able to guess. We had just had a guidance lesson and the class was settled down pretty well. I started by saying that I had some exciting news to share with them.

Several bounced up and down in their seats and one yelled, "It's Jeanmarie's (one of my students) birthday!" I responded, "Yes, it IS Jeanmarie's birthday and that is incredibly special, but I wanted to share some NEW news with you." Another student exclaimed, "You finished organizing the bookshelves!!" And several smiling heads bobbed up and down in agreement.

I responded once again, "Yes, that IS right as well, BUT this is something NEW about ME!" I look at at my students and see some rather baffled faces. I then turn in profile and start rubbing my obviously protruding belly in desperation. There are some audible gasps in the classroom and I hear one girl whisper to another, "Hey, you're not supposed to say that!!" And then the hands start to gradually go up. I called on one little girl who seemed to have it figured out. "Ella?"

She stood up at her desk and exclaimed, "You're going to have a baby!?"

I answered in the affirmative and then the class erupted!

There were several shocked faces. One kid yelled, "I knew it, but my mom said I shouldn't say anything!" Others hugged one another and ran around giving high fives. Several came up to hug me, and a very few just sat there and pondered it over. It was complete pandemonium. :)

We had a question and answer session for about 10-15 minutes afterward to get all of the excitement out. Several questions were centered around whether or not I would name the baby after them. :) (The class has centered around the names Rufus?!? and Isabelle.) Others wanted to know with sad faces if this meant that I would be leaving them. Luckily all comments and questions were appropriate and there was only a little talk in between two boys about how they would be learning all about it in Family Life Education this year and they didn't want to because it was "disgusting!"

They asked me if I could feel the baby yet and at that point it hadn't been too regular, but I did tell them that the baby could hear them. (I had just read about it on my babycenter update.) They immediately jumped out of their seats waving and started yelling, "Hi Baby! Hi Baby!" Over and over again. One of them asked, "Do you think the baby is learning what we are learning?" Before I could answer, another exclaimed, "The baby must really know their multiplication facts!" They've been quizzing her since. "Baby? What's 0 x 1? Did you hear that? She didn't answer because she already knows its zero! She's a genius already!"

My class this year has truly been a blessing! They are extremely well-behaved and all around good, sweet kids. Now that they know, I find many of them speaking directly to my belly instead of to me, I get hugs from a couple of them with belly rubs in the morning saying, "Good morning Baby!"

It's all very sweet and exciting and I'm glad that I get to share this special time with them.

Good Luck Charm

There is an optional ultrasound that you can get done around 12 weeks called the Nuchal Translucency Test. It is basically a detailed ultrasound where they look at the thickness of the skin on the back of the baby's neck along with other data from blood work to determine the chances for downs and trisomy.

I decided to go ahead and opt for this test mostly because I wanted Doug to be able to see an ultrasound of the baby. There is a very strict window of dates during your pregnancy that they need to schedule it for and Doug had only been back from his travels for 48 hours whenever we had the appointment.

I still wasn't showing too much at this point, but as soon as the tech put the little ultrasound transceiver thing on my belly, I could see a BABY in there with a face and hands and everything!!! I know it's a silly thing to say, but before in earlier ultrasounds the baby looked more similar to a kidney bean than a baby.

The ultrasound tech was great and took her time to show us a lot of great shots of the baby. After a while of her scanning, I said something to the point of, "Will we get to see the baby move?" She replied that she would be waking the baby up in a second, but that she was still taking some measurements. Immediately after the tech said that, but before she jostled the baby, the baby started stretching out and moving around. It was an amazing experience that I will never forget! I hope our little girlie is as good of a listener outside of the womb as she has been inside!

I asked out of curiosity if they could do 3D ultrasounds and the next thing I knew, the tech switched wands and image changed to 3D. I could see the baby's fingers and even her cute little butt! The tech then gave us a DVD with captured video from the 3D ultrasound! Afterward, we went to speak with the doctor who reviewed our results and told us that our chances for downs or trisomy were as low as they possibly could be!

It was a good visit! :)

We decided to go to Capital Grille, this crazy expensive steak place in Tyson's Corner, to celebrate. The waitresses seated us in this awesome corner booth where we could sit next to each other and talk. It was perfect! When our waiter came to the table, he asked us if we were celebrating anything in particular that night and I of course pulled out my long stream of ultrasound pictures. :) Several of the wait staff came by to congratulate us and ooh'ed and ahh'ed over our little baby.

Doug and I usually dine on the cheap if we decide to eat out at all, but this particular night we ordered lobster bisque soup, side dishes, and the tastiest looking steaks we could choose irregardless of the price. We were enjoying our soup and Doug was telling me all about his travels in Europe when we noticed this huge party of expensively dressed execs filling up the party room directly next to us. There was a man nearby talking to the manager that seemed to be in charge of the party that kept on eying our table. I whispered to Doug, "I think he's coveting our table."

Not 10 minutes later, our waiter came over extremely apologetically and asked us if we might be able to move to a different table, so that the overflow guests from the party might sit there. We would have happily moved anyway, but then he said that the gentleman hosting the party had asked if he could pay for our meal to express his thanks. UM YES! We had already accumulated over a $150 dollar dinner bill for just the two of us without even ordering dessert.

..we got dessert. :)

This little girl is my good luck charm!

Here are her ultrasound images from 12 weeks 6 days.

Morning Sickness

I have to do a little backtracking on my blogging because I waited so long to go "public," but I wanted to share a few stories from earlier in my pregnancy.

About a week or so after we found out that I was pregnant, Doug found out that he was going to need to take a last minute trip to Germany for work for the next 5 1/2 weeks! Yuck!

A couple of days after he left, the morning sickness started to kick in. I was really bummed because my mom was one of those lucky people that did not experience morning sickness with any of her kajillion pregnancies. My morning sickness was a slight annoyance at first with just some minor nauseous feelings, but I was surviving just fine. About a week in (the first week of school coincidentally) the "morning" sickness started to get worse. It got to the point where I was puking almost daily in the shower and during my 45 minute morning commute. Luckily at school I just felt queasy and only had to step out of the classroom about a half a dozen times or so a day to pull myself together. I would then leave school ASAP and end up puking on the way home.

It was during this time that I ended up telling my principal I was pregnant because she wouldn't leave me the heck alone over my plans not being done. I was about ready to chew her out, so it was a good thing I told her. :) I don't think that I was necessarily hormonal... I just didn't feel good about 16 hours of the day every day and it made me not a happy or very nice person.

My class was wonderful during this time and an absolute blessing. I was sure they were wondering what in the heck was wrong with me. Sometimes I would randomly stop teaching in the middle of the lesson and walk out of the classroom or just sit at my desk with a trashcan between my legs and ask them to read for a couple minutes. No questions asked. They just went a long with it! My class should be sainted.

My house became a total disaster. I had been forcing myself to eat breakfast every morning, but when I couldn't finish it, I would leave whatever it was on the floor for Darwin to eat. (Here cat, have some oatmeal.) Darwin doesn't even eat people food, so I ended up having an accumulation of eggs and cereal bowls collecting on my kitchen floor! Yeah, haha it was a sight to see! :)

It turned out that the time difference between Germany and the United States was a lot less convenient than Thailand and Doug and I were only able to actually talk about 1-2 times a week. It sucked and I complained a lot. Glad that's over with.

I finally caved and asked for the anti-nausea medication that my doctor offered. It helped take the edge off of some of the sickness and return some of my functionality. I was able to get my house picked up enough to host a dinner with my family for my brother in law, Jon, to visit on his way to the Middle East for 6 months. It really helped me keep the 5 1/2 weeks that I was complaining about in perspective.

It was during this time that I took my first belly shots. The first in the red shirt was at 6 weeks (I think I was probably pushing my belly out in excitement. Haha!) and the other one was around 9 weeks. I also got two early ultrasounds. One at around 7 weeks and then one at 9 weeks to officially date the pregnancy. (When I called to tell my doctor I was pregnant, I could hear her jumping for joy on the other end of the phone, so she prematurely scheduled my first appointment a little early resulting in the next one being only 2 weeks later.) The picture I posted is of the nine week ultrasound. I was fortunate enough to hear the heartbeat both times.

Baby Stuff?!?

I was very hesitant to start looking at baby stuff this time around. Last time, when I had my miscarriage, I had been a big dummy and made a registry the day after I found out that I was pregnant. I kept on getting reminder emails afterward and it was incredibly painful.

This time I waited until I was around 20 weeks to even start looking. Holy crap! There is A LOT of baby stuff...cribs, bouncers, car seats, gliders, changing tables, bibs, strollers... the list goes on and on! I started over Thanksgiving break and was becoming completely overwhelmed. Not only was I concerned about the financial impossibility of purchasing all of these items, but I also wanted to get good stuff that I would need and actually use.

I delved into all of the research and read hundreds of reviews on everything from strollers to baby spoons. I thought I would feel better, but it all felt so complicated. How did women do this whole parenting thing before bathtub rubber ducky thermometers and video baby monitors?

I want a stroller, but I know that I'll probably end up getting one of those simple umbrella strollers eventually so why should I invest in something that is so bulky that I'll use for such a short time? Answer: infant stroller that will work as a jogging stroller. Problem: the one I want is cheaper and everyone talks about how the straps get tangled up in the infant car seat. Is that a deal breaker?

What about getting a breast pump? Oh man, are those things expensive!!! I'll be staying home, but I want to introduce a bottle and allow Doug some bonding time with our little girl. I also think that it might be nice to be able to just take a bottle out in public instead of yanking my boobs out all the time. What if Doug and I are lucky enough to have a date night and my parents are baby sitting?

Do I really need a bouncer, a swing, a play mat, etc? I hear and read conflicting views about how, "The bouncer saved my life!" Or "My daughter was never really interested in the swing." I don't know what my little girl will prefer.

Don't even get me started on nursery colors!

I was at my wits end with baby stuff and about ready to give up on it all when I grabbed Doug's baby book off the top of our bookshelf in the bedroom one morning. I only needed to flip through the first couple of pages to feel better. Doug was a BYU baby and his parents were POOR college students when he was born. They had basically nothing and he turned out just fine!

I don't need to worry about all of this stuff! It will all be OKAY. Any helpful advice about baby things though would definitely be appreciated. :)

I took some grainy pictures of some pictures in Doug's baby book with my iPad, so I will leave those with you.

Paradigm Shift

Right now I'm home sick from school with some sort of cold/flu thing. It sucks. I just want to be able to breathe through my nose again and not feel all achy.

So all of this time in bed has given me time to think. Becoming a mom has been something I have dreamed of my whole life and now at 22 weeks pregnant, it is turning into more and more of a reality. I can feel my little girl moving daily now and I am so excited to meet her in April!

As if becoming a parent isn't a big enough change, I'm now thinking about how my life will be as a stay at home mom. It has been mine and Doug's plan from the beginning for me to stay home with our children. We are not loaded by any stretch of the imagination, but we are really good savers and not very good spenders. These two things combined with the fact that it took freaking FOREVER to get pregnant have allowed us to prepare for this day financially.

I truly do love my job... especially with the amazing group of kiddos I have in my room this year. I'm having a really hard time saying goodbye to the teaching profession even if it only is temporarily while I raise my family. The parents that have asked about next year have all been visibly disappointed when I tell them that I'll be staying home. I expected a bunch of "Good for you's!" and "They don't stay young forever!" Instead I got, "I was hoping you could be (younger siblings)'s teacher." and stuff like, "You have a gift for teaching. You shouldn't leave!!!"

The people-pleaser in me wants to make all of these people happy. I mean, there are tons of GREAT moms that do it every day... work full time and parent. I just don't know if I can be one of them. Teaching to me is more than a full time job. Yes, there is the grading and planning that happens outside of school, but it is MORE than that. I am 100% dedicated to my students each year. They are my life. I think about them when I drive home, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about them, and they are usually one of the first things I think about in the morning. Is that weird?

I don't think that I can give 100% to them and still have enough left for my little family. I honestly don't know how people balance it all. If I am going to teach, I want to do it the way I always have. My job makes me really happy most days and is very fulfilling. I worry that I'll miss it terribly. My friends at work tell me, "When you hold her in your arms the first time, none of it will matter!" I've seen huge changes in my friends that have become parents recently and I still think it is the craziest thing. I feel this big change coming in my life and I have no clue how I am going to be afterward.

My plan right now is to work up to spring break which is the last week in March this year. Over the past 6 years that I worked for the county I'm in, I have only taken maybe 2 sick days (not counting this week) so fortunately I have a TON saved up. This will allow me to have a few weeks at home to prepare for our little girl's arrival if she is on time for her April 11th due date. A BIG part of me wants to work up to my due date, but I hate to lose the 30 plus sick days that I will have remaining AFTER I take my maternity leave. Right now, when someone asks me my due date, I tell them the beginning of April. ...darn guilty conscience.

My life sure is changing quickly. I'm gearing up for a major paradigm shift!

I'm going to be a MOM!

For those of you not on Facebook with me, you may not have heard the news.

After years of trying naturally unsuccessfully, surgery, and then other medical interventions, it took just one month of COMPLETELY giving up to it to happen. No fertility drugs, no counting, no temping, no sex... Well just kidding on the last one. ;)

I just wish I would have known giving up worked so well earlier! It would have saved three years of heartache. Giving up for me was the hardest part though. It was the conclusion that I had come to after I realized that I didn't have much fight left in me. My raw emotional state, the monthly roller coaster ride, and the harsh medical interventions I had been going through had all been trying on my marriage and on me personally. I had to honestly accept that it might just be Doug and I and that I was going to have to be OKAY with that.

I do realize that I could not have gotten to this point without my doctor. I also realize that my Heavenly Father had this planned all along for me. I couldn't have planned it better myself! I can honestly say LOOKING BACK that learned a lot about patience and planning and I grew a lot through my experiences.

PLEASE don't let me be one of those stories that you tell your friends who are having fertility issues. "I had this one friend that just gave up after YEARS of trying and now she's pregnant!" Although well-meaning, it does absolutely nothing to make your friend feel better and in fact makes her feel more defective. Just be there to listen and be supportive.

Finding out:

It was Wednesday, the first day of August and I had just gotten back from a day at Lake Anna with my friend Caitlin and her family where I got to do some kneeboarding. (pretty successful kneeboarding, I might add!) My arms were pretty sore still a couple days later, so I decided to take some ibuprofen (I hadn't taken the stuff the whole three years we were trying to get pregnant.) I hadn't done any counting the whole months of July or beginning August, so I honestly didn't even know when I was going to get my period. As I was going to bed a couple days later that Friday night, I started doing some back counting in my head and realized that I was three days late. I made a conscious decision to not get my hopes up and just go to bed.

The next morning on Saturday, I woke up a little before 5 and decided that I was going to test. There were two pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. One of them was a first response and the other was one of those more expensive clear blue pregnancy tests that my friend had given me once she found out she was pregnant. I had decided in my head a while ago that the clear blue one would be the one that I would use when I REALLY thought I was pregnant. I have lost count of how many of those darn first response ones I have seen with negative results.

Anyway, I decided to use the first response one because I wasn't going to get my hopes up and it turned out unmistakably positive.

What?!?!?!?

I started shaking immediately, fell to my knees, and said a long, tearful prayer of thanks.

I'm going to be a mom to my little girl due in April!

Summer Update of Randomness

Summer is going well.  I'm staying pretty busy, so that's good.  It's amazing how much better my days go when I have a tutoring appointment to get to.  It keeps me from the all-day pajama days which make me feel loser-ish. I'm making good progress on my textbook as well.

I also started a teacher blog which I'll probably never blog on again, but here's the address if you're interested in checking it out.  My favorite part was actually just putting together the header and designing the page. If anyone wants to redo theirs and they have an idea of what they want, let me know and I would love to create a header graphic for you.  Just putting that out there.

What else... well, Friday night we had this crazy storm.  Doug and I stood in the garage and watched it wreak havoc outside.  At first it was just this crazy lightning storm in the distance and then it came over us and the lightning was turning green.  It was freaky, but really cool to watch.  We heard some transformers blow and a bunch of trees just snapping like toothpicks and blowing by us.  We don't have any big trees near our house, but our two closest neighbors had trees down in their yards. One of my local friends posted this picture on Facebook.  No wonder we lost our power!

Luckily my parents got their power back pretty quickly, so we brought all of our refrigerator and freezer contents over there.  All in all, we only lost our power for 14 hours.  I'm feeling pretty lucky considering that there are many that STILL do not have power and it's like 100 degrees outside.

We then headed over to Doug's Aunt Paula's house for a family reunion/picnic get together.  They didn't have power either, but they had two generators for the refrigerators and they usually grill all of the food anyway.  With all of the storm craziness, I forgot my camera.  I was kicking myself the whole time!  Aunt Paula has 25 acres directly on the Shenandoah river with breathtaking views of the Blue Ridge.  We shot guns, went canoeing, set off fireworks, and just had a great time talking and catching up with one another.  Here are some pictures from last year, so you can get an idea of the awesomeness.

This is Paula's house.  It is absolutely gorgeous inside and out.  I think it was modeled after one of HGTV's dream homes.

Doug and his cousin, Mike, driving around on the property.

  

There is not another single structure in site.  Just the green, rolling mountains of the Blue Ridge.

 Doug is a crack shot.  Here is a picture of him shooting his Glock 9mm.

I've started to prepare for my trip out to Utah, well not really unless THINKING about packing counts.  I leave this Wednesday and I won't be back until the 24th!

As far as trying to get pregnant I feel like time is moving either in slow motion or backward.  I skipped the ovulation predictor kit (OPK) this cycle because I was getting frustrated.  I had done it previous cycles and the doctor had not used the information at all. Well this last Monday, I went in to get some blood work to check my progesterone levels on the Clomid. 

My doctor emailed me with the test results and said that my progesterone levels looked a little low and wanted to know what the results were of the OPK's I did this month.  What??  I had been using them the last few months and no one was using the results.  So this month I skip out and apparently not doing them made my test results inconclusive.  Another wasted month.

Doc says that she wants me to take a break this month while I'm in Utah.  She said that I "sounded a little stressed." Really??

I guess its just that I feel like I'm running out of time.

See this amazing woman below.  It's Doug's grandmother.  His last living grandparent.  I've become pretty close to "JoMa" the seven years that Doug and I have been married.  She's my number one cheerer for getting pregnant.  Doug is the only son of an only son.  This means that he is the ONE to pass down the family name of Doug that has been passed down for generations.

Grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer the year before last.  She's had a rough time going through chemo the last year and they just found out at her last appointment that the cancer has gotten to her lungs. I always hoped that our children would get to know her.  Now, I'm just hoping that I can take a picture of her holding them.

I hate ending on a negative, dramatic note so I'll share something random and positive...

Our cell phone plan is re-upping which means that I get to buy a new phone!  I'm been struggling with my Palm Pre for basically the full two years that I've owned it.  On my tentative schedule tomorrow is me going to pick up a new phone... and I'm thinking about getting the new iPhone 4S.  Most attractive feature at this point is the dual antennas because it will work internationally if we end up moving to Thailand in the next year or two.  Oh yeah and the 8 MP camera doesn't hurt either.

Now I only need to decide if I want in it white or black. :)

Hello Summer!

I won't post much because I'm up way past my bedtime, but I will give a little update.

School is out! I am trying to keep busy this summer. I've taken on a couple students to tutor over the summer, I'm revising the VA Studies textbook I did last summer, I'm going to make my first draft of a science one, and I'm going to Utah for a little while to see my grandparents, my in-laws, and my sister.

What I look at all day.

I started jogging in the mornings last Monday (my first day without kiddos). I've set a schedule where I take breaks on Thursdays and Sundays to give my body time to recooperate. My route is two miles and it usually takes me about nine minutes to get to the one mile point. I go when Doug leaves for work a little after 5 am so it's just me and the deer.

Oh yeah, and I'm still not pregnant. I'm on my second Clomid cycle and continuing to think positively. Maybe THIS will be the month. This August we will have been doing this trying to conceive stuff for the last three years... SO ready to move onto pregnancy/parenthood stuff. I keep on telling my body that it needs to get with the program, so maybe it will start listening soon.

Hot Flash Pedicure Chinatown

I realize that my title is random, but I had a really hard time sticking to a single topic in his blog post.

SO, my hot flashes need to be gone before I can start the Clomid. The Clomid won't work if the Lupron is in my system still. I called the nurse today to schedule an appointment with my doctor. She asked me if I was still experiencing any hot flashes and I was like, "I can't really remember... I had a busy day." So after I hung up with her and then had a hot flash like five seconds later. Seriously?!?

I have a phone appointment this Friday to talk to my doctor and I'm going to refer to my notebook with all the questions. I'm nervous that I'll take the Clomid either too early or too late and mess up my chance to get pregnant one of my three months. I hope there's some sort of blood test that they can do to tell me when I should start. I just don't want my inability to remember when I've had my most recent hot flash mess me up.

So maybe April 1st will not end up being my first Clomid day... I hope the next doctor's appointment will bring some reassuring answers.

Had a bit of a stressful day at work, so Caitlin and I went and got pedicures. Seriously, I LOVE pedicures! I never had one before I lived around these high fulootin northern Virginianers, but NOW I'm seriously addicted. It was the perfect thing to get my mind off of work.

Oh yeah, Doug will be home on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!


Here's one of his latest emails, so you can be jealous with me:

Last night, I decided to visit Chinatown, since I’m trying to cram as much as I possibly can into the next several days. The experience was definitely memorable – first, I walked to the river and took a “water taxi”, which would probably be more appropriately named a “water bus.” It is a long wooden speedboat with very low benches that you hop on at one of the various stops on the river, and then you proceed down the river at a speed that seems well beyond safe. A series of blue tarps strung to hand-drawn pulleys on the sides of the boat prevent you from getting too wet. The ride is a little unsettling, but at ten baht (33 cents) to get across town, it’s cheaper than a taxi or even the BTS skytrain.
 
Once I arrived at the proper stop, I realized Chinatown was not within easy walking distance, so I braved my first tuk-tuk – little three-wheeled contraptions with a driver in the front and a bench seat in the back, powered by either a small motorcycle engine or a large lawnmower engine. Tuk-tuks are named such because the engines make a “tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk” sound when they’re riding across town. They are also renown for being rip-offs, and this tuk-tuk was no exception – a Thai who spoke remarkably good English told me that for 20 baht, his tuk-tuk driver would take me to see some touristy sites and then to see some “Thai Fashion”, and then ultimately on to my destination of Chinatown. 20 baht is extremely cheap and I know going into it that it’s similar to a timeshare scam, but I go ahead anyway because I want to see it and it’s cheap. I got to see some really cool Buddha statues and temples. “Thai fashion” was, as expected, the hook – a tailor pays this guy to get tourists onto tuk-tuks and into his store so he can sell low-quality tailored suits and shirts. I was able to turn it around and found out that the wife of my salesman worked as a maid for one of the people at the US embassy, and subtly suggested to him that being extremely pushy with me might result in my “good friend” at the embassy finding a new maid, and I was immediately free to leave. The tuk-tuk drove me to my destination with no further sales stops.
 
Chinatown was intense – I think it was moreso since it was an extremely foreign culture inside of another extremely foreign culture. I have a friend at the embassy here who is a native of China, and he warned me that Chinese people are much more rude than Thais and will try harder to rip you off. Sure enough, the first street vendor I visited tried to rip me off by saying the price of the food was 15 baht and then when I gave him a twenty, he said “nooo… fifty baht”, to which I responded that I was not a farang (foreigner) and that I wanted my five baht or else I would call the police. He gave me my five baht and doubled my order for the “mis-understanding.” Sadly, most of the shops were closed by the time I got there, so I will have to visit this Saturday to see some of the famous woodwork that can be purchased for cheap in Chinatown.

Better get back to some REAL work!

Doug

Where do you envision yourself in 10 years?

Yep that's me!  Ten-years-ago-me from an extra little section in my senior yearbook.  I was cleaning the bookshelf in my bedroom the other day when I decided to do a little reminiscing and flip through my yearbook.  I totally forgot about this picture and my answer.  Poor past me... she didn't realize how tough it would be to get pregnant.  

I remember telling my friend that was taking this picture that I would probably have more than *just* two kids in 10 years, but she decided to edit me a little.  I also remember people asking about me getting married because I didn't even mention it... I knew that would happen... I guess I just always dreamed about the being a mom part.

Here, I guess I can edit this a little for accuracy's sake.

Finding Moments of Peace

About a month ago, I was running late to church.  It was about 9:20am (I know, REALLY late!) and I was really rushing to get there.  I drive past the trees that are blocking the building and the parking lot is EMPTY.  It turned out that it was Stake Conference which didn't actually start until 10:00am.  Oops! Well, at least I got like a REALLY good seat and the best parking place.

I definitely need to listen better to announcements at the beginning of sacrament meeting!

So today, I was sitting in church (got there at 9:01am... ONLY a minute late!) during the announcements when they reminded us that General Conference is next weekend!  I didn't want to have a repeat of the Stake Conference incident, so I immediately got out my phone to add it to my calendar.

Next Sunday is April 1st.  Next Sunday, I am scheduled to start the Clomid.  I only have A WEEK.  (Breathe in, breathe out.)  I think that we're going to just go for it... and hope and pray that I get pregnant in the next three months.

Sure, I'm nervous as heck!  I'm worried about the pain, the possibility of surgery, etc... I have several different nightmare scenarios running around in my brain.

BUT, I need to know that we tried everything before we go to IVF.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to ask about a drug that I had heard about through my online support group.  She kindly acknowledged my anxiety about taking the Clomid and let me know that the growth of my endometrioma last time was due to ovarian stimulation which both Clomid and Femara (the other drug) do.  The reason why she is not doing Femara is because it "has a strong label warning with regards to possible birth defects."  She also reviewed it with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and he does not recommend it either.  Then, she basically told me that I could "consider going straight to IVF" if I wished to use something else besides Clomid.

IVF scares me, like A LOT... even more than the Clomid.  I still haven't responded to her email.

Lately, I've been going back and forth between having moments of worry and moments of peace.

Monday night this last week was one of my moments of worry.  It came on suddenly.  I realized that getting pregnant is probably going to be hard, REALLY hard.  I also realized that endometriosis is a disease without a cure and will not be going away.  Even if I am successful in getting pregnant, it is a painful disease that I will have to cope with for the rest of my life.  I became depressed immediately.  I cried and pitied myself.  I doubted whether or not I was up for the challenge.

Then that same night, I balled the whole time with Doug on Skype.  See, I haven't really been bringing up much of my daily worryings because the time that we are able to talk is so limited... I don't want to be the downer in his day.  He listened, but as a man he was looking to FIX.  Unfortunately, there really isn't an immediate fix, so... he listened.  I just felt so alone.

I texted my friend Caitlin a little and then put myself to bed early.

The next morning my alarm went off and I woke up, but I didn't get out of bed.  I just laid there.  I even knew I would be late to work, but I just laid there.

Lucky for me, as soon as I'm with my students, all of the fear I have about not getting pregnant usually gets put on the back burner.  I can't focus on it and do my job the way I feel it should be done.  For that, I am grateful.

Tuesday after school, I went to my weekly "date night" with Caitlin and she, knowing about my moment of worry the night before made me a notebook.  As you open it up, there are several statements of affirmation to look at.  In the very back of the notebook, there are success stories that she found of women getting pregnant with endometriosis.  The middle pages are for me to write down my questions and the answers to those questions.  Caitlin even sat down and typed up a list of things that I had been repeatedly worrying about in all our many conversations, so I could remember to ask my doctor about it in our next conversation.

This notebook seriously has to be the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for me in my whole life.  Caitlin, if you read this, I want you to know that you have been a blessing in my life during this time.  I don't always convey myself very well with spoken words, but I wanted you to know how truly grateful I am for your support.

Later in the week, I was having another moment of worry when the title of the LDS hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" came to my mind.  I've never really paid much attention to this hymn before, but like many hymns it has unknowingly been engrained in my memory after years of singing it in church.  I looked it up to find the exact lyrics.

1. Where can I turn for peace?
    Where is my solace
    When other sources cease to make me whole?
    When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
    I draw myself apart,
    Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
    Where, when I languish,
    Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
    Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
    Who, who can understand?
    He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
    Reaches my reaching
    In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
    Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
    Constant he is and kind,
    Love without end.

    Text: Emma Lou Thayne (b. 1924; LDS)
    Music: Joleen G. Meredith (b. 1935; LDS)

I'm hoping to have more moments of peace than worry in the next week. 

Only 183 more hours (or a little more than seven days) till Doug is home!

Blogging as an Outlet

It probably doesn't seem like it, but I am still incredibly uncomfortable with having all of this personal fertility stuff up on my blog.  I know I put it up here for anyone to read, but whenever I have a post where I've talked about getting pregnant, I've always tried to following up quickly with another post.  I don't like to focus on negativity.

My blog is a place where I reflect.  It takes me a quite while to get my thoughts down and the process of doing it is actually very calming for me.  I like to plan and think through things carefully.  After I have blogged about something, I feel like I can let it go a bit.  It may seem weird that I write about all of this stuff on my blog, but really I have a hard time even talking to my own mom in person about it.

When I see someone that I haven't seen for a while and they ask me how I am doing, I don't want to say something like, "I'm struggling with getting pregnant and it dominates my thoughts pretty regularly." but that's what I think sometimes.

My blog is an outlet for all of that right now.  I don't want it to turn into, "My Journey Getting Pregnant with Endometriosis," but this is unfortunately what I am going through at this stage in my life.  Hopefully one day my blog will turn into one of those mommy blogs where I obsess over baby monitor choices, discuss sleep training methods, and get excited about potty-training progress.

Doubt

I decided after my disappointing conversation with my doctor that I would join a support group online for women with endometriosis.  I wanted to talk to women that were going through the same thing I was. 

Well, I feel like I've learned a lot, but unfortunately I feel so much more conflicted and full of doubt.

What I found when I got on these message boards was very sad, and yet comforting at the same time.  Women, reaching out to other women... sharing experiences, seeking advice, and just venting on tough days.  They all, like me, are all going through the nightmare of trying to conceive with endometriosis.  Many have dealt with the hot flashes and night sweats from Lupron.  They've gone through surgeries for the removal of growths from endometriosis.  Some have had experiences with failed IVF cycles.  Others are trying natural and homeopathic remedies.  And some lucky ones stay on long enough to share their success stories.

There was one thing though that I hadn't expected... women expressing regret over trusting the decisions of their doctors.  I don't know if it is how I was raised or if it is my personality, but I've always been very respectful and trusting of doctors.  In fact, I've probably viewed them as being superhuman and incapable of making mistakes.  They went to a bajillion years of school to be able treat and diagnose.  I've just always trusted them.

Now, my ability to conceive and bear my own children is at stake.

I really and truly think that my wonderful and very capable doctor is doing everything that SHE believes will help me.  One time in conversation with my doctor, she said, "Usually I just give women their annual pap smear and send them on their way with their birth control prescription."  ...I'm not her usual case.  She even realizes this.  She's consulting specialists on my case.

The most common advice, I've gotten from women in the group is "Stop seeing your OBGYN and start seeing an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or fertility doctor."  My doctor said that she was going to refer me after this last attempt.  Should I ask now?  Do I even ask my OBGYN?  What does my insurance cover?

One of the biggest shockers I heard from a woman in my group was that "Lupron will not shrink an endometrioma.  It only keeps your endometriosis 'quiet' because it puts you in a temporary menopausal state."  It can shrink a complex cyst, but an endometrioma is a blood-filled cyst.  It can only get smaller or go away through surgery.  WHAT??  Did I misunderstand my doctor?  Does she even know what she is doing?

Another thing I've heard from multiple women is "Clomid will only fuel your endometriosis.  Don't take it!!"  This one is extremely concerning to me.  My doctor basically told me through our last conversation that Clomid might be my last chance to get pregnant naturally.  That both her and the fertility doctor she consulted both believe that I do not have the time and should not take the chance of trying to conceive without any medication.

I'm doubting everything.  I don't know what to do.  I need to talk to my doctor, but I don't know how to bring up many of these questions.  If I do what she says and take Clomid, will I end up regretting it?  What if I lose my right ovary?  What if my left ovary ends up being bad?  Will I be okay with not having my own biological children?

I just don't want to mess up.  Because all of these decisions matter A LOT.

I know, I know...

#1 Have FAITH,
#2 TRUST that everything will work out the way it is supposed to,
#3 DON'T GIVE UP,
#4 RELAX,
#5 Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, and then PRAY some more.

I'm trying.

Three Months

I talked with my doctor yesterday to try to figure out what is next. She started our conversation saying that she had good news and bad news. Basically the "good news" is that she wants to just go for it. The plan is to go on with what we were going to do before we knew that the Lupron wasn't working. Try Clomid and just hope I can get pregnant.

There are risks (of course!). My body reacted very badly to the Clomid before. It very possible I could end up in the hospital again getting surgery. (in the middle of the school year??) This time though, they would do an Oophorectomy (oh-oaf-uh-REK-tuh-me) which is the removal of an ovary (my right one). The ovaries "take turns" randomly and the best case scenario would be that it is my left ovary's turn when I start on the Clomid. If it is the right ovary's turn, things might not go so well. (We can't choose which ovary's "turn" it is.)

...uh that's the good news??

So then the bad news?

After seeing the not-so-fantastic results of my ultrasound, my doctor looked to some colleagues for advice. She shared my history with a fertility specialist, Dr. Khan, that she had worked closely with in the past. (In 2012, Dr. Khan was named in the Washingtonian's "Top Doctors" list for Infertility.) The consensus between doctors is, I need to get pregnant as soon as possible. Both doctors agree that the Clomid is my best chance at a "natural" pregnancy.

Right now, my left ovary is looking great and in time if the disease has time to spread... It might not. My endometriosis has shown itself to be very resistant to any form of treatment. I asked my doctor if there was something more powerful than the Lupron, but apparently Lupron is the strongest stuff they use.

We have THREE cycles of Clomid and THREE months to get pregnant starting in April. If it doesn't happen, Doug and I will be referred to a fertility specialist. She even said that we would start the prescreening fertility stuff after month two because we have no time to waste. Then she said the three letters that I DID NOT want to hear.

IVF

That's the next NEXT step. A test tube baby? That means $$$$$. Literally that many dollar signs. I've looked at the costs associated with IVF and you can't get it for any less than $10,000 in the US and those are just the starting costs. Don't even get me started on all of the ethical issues involved.

Icing on the cake? I got stuck in Friday traffic and didn't make it home in time to talk to Doug.

Okay body, you've got THREE months. You CAN do this.

Next Step?

So, I went to get my ultrasound today after work.  I really felt like the appointment was just a formality just to check to "make sure" that the medicine was working.  I mean, the Lupron was basically shutting down my estrogen production.  There's nothing left to "feed" the endometrioma. 

Well, I asked the ultrasound tech if I could speak directly to the radiologist afterward today because I was tired of waiting for news.  The tech was very kind and was able to get the radiologist to speak to me the same day.

I should have been sitting down.

It turns out that the endometrioma on my right ovary is the same size... maybe even slightly bigger. 

I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be GONE.  I've been going through menopause for the last three and a half months for basically nothing.

I was brave.  I didn't cry.  The radiologist told me that she had endometriosis as well and she was still able to have four children.  She was very optimistic and tried to even joke with me about how the male hormones they gave her "back in the day" made her really buff... and that guys have it easy when trying to tone their muscles, and blah blah blah.  I just kind of stood there feeling dead and hopeless inside.  I tried to crack a smile at her obvious attempt to cheer me up.  But, it was just BAD news.  And it really came out of no where.

I left the office swiftly, but got stuck behind a woman in a cute maternity shirt that was leaving the building and walking at a slightly slower pace.  I really tried to rein in the tears. 

I got lost driving home.  The signs were fuzzy.

I couldn't call Doug because he is in Thailand for the next month.  So, I did the next best thing and called my good friend Caitlin.  It's important to have good friends.  When you get news like that, you just need to talk to someone.

I got home just in time to get Doug's nightly Skype call.  It's 12 hours difference.  He tells me good night and I tell him good morning.  He listened and was supportive.  What else is there that he can do?

Another good teacher friend of mine moved into my neighborhood recently and had me over for dessert tonight. We talked about non-depressing things and I think I'm going to make dinner for her cute little family.  I've been really fortunate to have good friends that keep me busy while Doug is gone and my house is empty.

I called my doctor and left a message to set up a phone appointment for hopefully tomorrow.  Honestly, I don't know what all this this means, but I'm pretty sure I was on this medication to see SOME improvement... and it doesn't really look like there was any.  I thought that giving me the Lupron shot was taking out the "big guns."

I don't even know what the next step is.

Some Optimism

So, I had been trying to email my doctor to come up with a short extension for my plan for treatment, but either she was being unclear or I was because I got so confused! Anyway, I finally scheduled a phone appointment with her and we talked for about 30 minutes today. She was at work at 6:30 on a Friday night when she called me. (I happened to be at work as well, but that's just because I don't have a life... and Doug is out of town this weekend.)

Apparently, my Lupron shot wears off almost a full week before I thought it was going to, but not soon enough to matter for Doug's travel dates. I am going in on Monday or Tuesday this next week to get a ONE month Lupron shot. I think all of the crazy emotion I've been feeling this last little while is my hormone levels changing from my three month shot wearing off. I'm down to about three hot flashes a day instead of more than a dozen. That's good because I think it shows that my system is trying to return back to normal.

We also were able to schedule a follow-up ultrasound in a couple of weeks to make sure that this shot is actually working. If my second shot has worn off by April 1st (meaning no hot flashes), then they will start me on the Clomid again. Clomid isn't a super strong fertility drug, but it should (hopefully) bring my fertility up to what it would be if I didn't have endometriosis.

Of course, there was a disclaimer once again (although now I take them more seriously) that my system may need a "jump start" with some birth control after the Lupron if my brain and ovaries have somehow forgotten how to communicate and need a little push.

So that's my health update! I feel so high maintenance! :)

As far as the classroom, things have been going pretty good. The no-talking mornings were actually pretty nice this week and I'm actually sad to see them go on Monday. I've joked with the other teachers that my kids probably all scared of me right now. I've been acting like some crazy two-headed monster. Every morning I greet my students at the door with a smile and a "Good morning!" :) In the room though if one of them talks, the scary Mrs. "S" comes out. "I said NO TALKING!" and I have this kind of mean/serious look. Sometimes I have to go out into the hall to smile without them seeing me, so I still am taken seriously.

I've been really worried that my students will not enjoy school anymore with this new two-headed monster-ness. Today in my compliment bucket (We do weekly compliments for each other.) there were four different compliments from students all having to do with them liking my smile or how I greet them in the morning. It was nice to know that I haven't crushed their spirits.

Their behavior as a class is SOOOOOO much better after our talks last week. Seriously, I rang the bell this morning to get their attention and they all stopped IMMEDIATELY and listened to directions. The Spanish teacher happened to still be in the room and looked like she was going to faint from disbelief. :)

Doug will be back Saturday night and I get to enjoy him for a WHOLE week before he is off to Thailand for a month. His boss who has traveled extensively and is still happily married offered to let him borrow his sliding scale of travel gifts for the spouse. He has apparently figured out a "tried and true" formula for how much you need to spend on gifts for your wife in relation to how long you will be traveling. I should probably get something good for a full month, right?