This week, April 24-30 is National Infertility Awareness Week. I was reading the April 2011 issue of the Ensign LDS Church magazine earlier this month and to my surprise it had an article titled, "Faith and Infertility" Usually you don't hear too much on infertility from The Church. No one really talks about it and people at church can sometimes be pretty insensitive on the topic without meaning it.
I highly suggest reading the Ensign article. If you don't have time to read the whole thing, please read this short excerpt:
[...] many people facing infertility look for the reason behind the struggle and sometimes blame themselves. Such thoughts and feelings can sting even more when others make well-intended but hurtful comments, often laced with misguided beliefs.
For instance, Melody Linton recalls sitting in testimony meeting and hearing new mothers say things like, “God trusted me enough to bless me with this baby.”
Back in February 2010, about two months after my miscarriage, I chatted with a well-meaning sister at church, who was a glowing seven months pregnant and had a toddler playing at her feet. She was being friendly and trying to get to know me better.“I can understand why they said it,” Melody admits. “It’s a fair statement. But in my situation without a child, I couldn’t help but think, ‘God doesn’t trust me.’
Her: "I've seen you around church, but I just haven't introduced myself. Have you been in the ward long?"
Me: "Yes, a little over two years now. I work with your daughter in Activity Day Girls."
Her: "Oh, I didn't realize... So are you married?"
Me: "Yes, for almost five years now."
Her: "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No."
Her: "So, do you not WANT kids or... has it just not happened yet?"
Me: "Uh, it just hasn't happened."
Her: "Oh."
I could tell she felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. There was an awkward silence and she started digging in her diaper bag for something. Thank goodness the group part of the lesson ended at that moment and the teacher started talking. I thought about leaving the room then and taking a moment to cry in the restroom, but I was able to pull myself together rather quickly and unnoticed. I made a swift exit from Relief Society as soon as the "Amen" from the closing prayer sounded.
A few months ago my period was over a week late and I thought for sure I was pregnant. A sister that I have worked closely with in the ward asked me, out of the blue, one day, "Are you pregnant?" I stared down at my stomach in disbelief and I whispered back unable to contain it, "I don't know, but I hope so!" with a big smile on my face. My period started that night. It turns out I was just stressed about completing report cards on time. The next Sunday she looked at me expectantly hoping for good news. I simply responded, "Not this month." She replied with, "You just need to relax a little. Don't worry about it so much. It WILL happen." I gave the deflated response, "Yeah, I hope so."
I'm participating in the "Bust a Infertility Myth Blog Challenge." The challenge was given by Resolve.org, the National Infertility Organization. Here's a response to a common myth from their site.
For those who are interested in knowing more about infertility, you can visit this link: Infertility 101Myth: If you just relax, you will get pregnant.
Busted!: If only it were that easy! The fact is, the vast majority of individuals who have infertility have a medical reason, not a stress-related one. Upwards of 90% of all infertility cases are caused by physical problems.
I want to leave you with another quote from the Ensign article that I think applies to a lot more than just infertility.
“One of the gospel principles I’ve learned to appreciate through our experience is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us,” Dave adds. “Sometimes we get caught up in the one-size-fits-all mentality, and we feel that our lives should look like other people’s lives. But that’s really not true. Everyone has different trials, and Heavenly Father is aware of those. If we are humble enough to follow the plan He has for us, we’ll be happy.”
My journey with infertility is so different than others. Although I have had three children, there was still a struggle. After Ryker passed away, I tried hard for over 18 months. When we brought Collin home, I stopped trying. When we found out we were pregnant about a year later (about 30 months after starting trying) everyone who did not know what was going on was like "see, once you relax it happens" or "I know so many couples who adopt and get pregnant." Oh, and I was so very tired of the "well my husband and I are so fertile, we just look at each other and are pregnant." People just do not get it, and I do not think they ever will. Hang in there Jenny.
ReplyDeleteHey Jenny, I can't speak from experience nor do I have any idea what you are feeling. But I do have a very close friend who went through a number of years of the same thing, IVF, adoption, etc... and yes this past January it finally happened for them...no medications or interventions...just happened. Though they are not LDS, they do have an incredibly strong faith...just know you aren't alone with what you're feeling or thinking...it is probably similar to so many others. You are a strong woman with a HUGE heart and you're just filling it up with all the love you've got, so you can give it to your baby when he/she arrives.
ReplyDeleteI read that article in the Ensign and thought it was really good. I think people need to be more aware of how real and common infertility really is and to be more sensitive to others about it. Stay strong Jenny your awesome!
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how HARD it is to not be able to have kids. I make a terrible joke all the time with people in your situation saying "we have the opposite problem. we get prego TOO easily. next time we get an unespected pregnancy, you can have it." and we usually laugh...but hoenstly, it's not a good joke.
ReplyDeleteI had an experience when I was pregnant with Grace. My visiting teaching comp and the sister we taught we both about 30 (I was 20) and neither had a child. I remember one visit they sat there like best friends, and talked about how they didn't want kids, and kids would just change their lives too much, and don't just feel too young to be having kids already? They were sooo negative about children. And I sat there sad and embarrassed because here I was...10 years younger, and 6 months pregnant. I judged them harshly for it, and thought they were so arrogant. Turned out...after getting to know them better...they both had multiple miscarriages, they had both been trying for years, and had been unsuccessful. They were at giving up point and trying to talk themselves into wanting something else. I felt soo badly for judging them, thinking they didn't understand. When really...I didn't understand. The good news is, within the next year they both had babies. And they are currently both prego with their second kids. So ever since then, I have really tried to be understanding of couples who don't have children. Because when it comes down to it, the majority of women want to be mothers.
I am sorry you have to deal with this trial. good luck with everything. Are you thinking about adoption? Anyway, good luck. I hope you can have a baby one day, too.
OH - and I never feel "God trusted me to have this baby." nope. I usually think "What the hell was He thinking giving ME kids?" hahaha. Bu tI can't exactly say THAt in testimony meeting. :)