A Little Insensitive

I realize that by writing this on my blog, I may be offending some family members, but I'm kind of tired of hiding my feelings and then having people hurt me unintentionally.  Some of my family can be really insensitive (without meaning it) about the whole not getting pregnant thing.  I REALLY do not want people walking on egg shells around me, but I think there does need to be a teeny tiny bit of sensitivity.

For those of you that may have been following my blog for a while you may remember this post.  I was snowed in the house with nothing to do except sort through all of the baby clothes that my oldest sister had given me.  It doesn't say so in the post and I haven't talked about it before, but I was actually pregnant (and pretty sure of it) at the time while I was going through everything.  I went through all of the clothes separating them by size and carefully folding them into Tupperware containers.  I envisioned the little life growing inside of me (if it was a girl of course) getting to wear a lot of the cute outfits my sister had passed down to me.  I was really excited.

Unfortunately things did not turn out the way I had hoped and my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. 

I announced it a while ago when I started blogging again, but my sister Kierstan, who lives in Utah is pregnant.  She is due to have her first baby, a little girl named Eva, any day now.  When my sister found out that she was pregnant, I was VERY happy for her.  She had expressed some concern that she was nervous about talking about her pregnancy with me because of the situation I was in.  I told her, that if the tables were turned, that I would want to be able to talk to my sister, so I INSISTED that she call me about EVERY little thing.  She would call and update me on the latest and I'm glad she did.  Honestly, it was a little hard, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

During the time I was going through all of the scary surgery stuff, my sister who gave me the clothes was in town to visit.  She was really awesome and drove me to all of the doctors appointments that I had prior to my surgery.  My mom, during all of this, explained to me that they wanted to go through the baby clothes (that my oldest sister had GIVEN me) to send it to Kierstan.  I was a little surprised at the request, but told them they could come any time they liked to pick it up.  I never heard anything else from anyone about the baby clothes, so I figured that they had made other plans.

Today, I am picking up my mom to take her to the airport so she can be there with Kierstan when she has the baby.  My mom called me early this morning and  ... asked ... about ... the ... clothes.  She wondered if I could sort through the clothes and just pick out the dresses that we had all worn as children so that little Eva could have something to wear on Sundays.

I hadn't said a single thing to her about how offended I was that they wanted me to sort through the clothes until today.  I matter-of-factly told her that I was not going to dig through the clothes.  I told her that I thought it was pretty insensitive that they asked me, the person who was having trouble getting pregnant, to sort through the baby clothes that were given to me, and pick out the "cute stuff" to send to my sister.  She didn't really say much in response and then just said that she guessed she wouldn't have time to be able to get the clothes.

A big part of me feels really terrible and guilty that I'm not down in my basement digging through all of the little cute baby clothes to give them to my sister.  It's the most practical solution and it makes sense.  I WANT to do it.  I just don't think I CAN.

At this point, I HOPE they come and take all the clothes away and I never see any of it again.