Doubt

I decided after my disappointing conversation with my doctor that I would join a support group online for women with endometriosis.  I wanted to talk to women that were going through the same thing I was. 

Well, I feel like I've learned a lot, but unfortunately I feel so much more conflicted and full of doubt.

What I found when I got on these message boards was very sad, and yet comforting at the same time.  Women, reaching out to other women... sharing experiences, seeking advice, and just venting on tough days.  They all, like me, are all going through the nightmare of trying to conceive with endometriosis.  Many have dealt with the hot flashes and night sweats from Lupron.  They've gone through surgeries for the removal of growths from endometriosis.  Some have had experiences with failed IVF cycles.  Others are trying natural and homeopathic remedies.  And some lucky ones stay on long enough to share their success stories.

There was one thing though that I hadn't expected... women expressing regret over trusting the decisions of their doctors.  I don't know if it is how I was raised or if it is my personality, but I've always been very respectful and trusting of doctors.  In fact, I've probably viewed them as being superhuman and incapable of making mistakes.  They went to a bajillion years of school to be able treat and diagnose.  I've just always trusted them.

Now, my ability to conceive and bear my own children is at stake.

I really and truly think that my wonderful and very capable doctor is doing everything that SHE believes will help me.  One time in conversation with my doctor, she said, "Usually I just give women their annual pap smear and send them on their way with their birth control prescription."  ...I'm not her usual case.  She even realizes this.  She's consulting specialists on my case.

The most common advice, I've gotten from women in the group is "Stop seeing your OBGYN and start seeing an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) or fertility doctor."  My doctor said that she was going to refer me after this last attempt.  Should I ask now?  Do I even ask my OBGYN?  What does my insurance cover?

One of the biggest shockers I heard from a woman in my group was that "Lupron will not shrink an endometrioma.  It only keeps your endometriosis 'quiet' because it puts you in a temporary menopausal state."  It can shrink a complex cyst, but an endometrioma is a blood-filled cyst.  It can only get smaller or go away through surgery.  WHAT??  Did I misunderstand my doctor?  Does she even know what she is doing?

Another thing I've heard from multiple women is "Clomid will only fuel your endometriosis.  Don't take it!!"  This one is extremely concerning to me.  My doctor basically told me through our last conversation that Clomid might be my last chance to get pregnant naturally.  That both her and the fertility doctor she consulted both believe that I do not have the time and should not take the chance of trying to conceive without any medication.

I'm doubting everything.  I don't know what to do.  I need to talk to my doctor, but I don't know how to bring up many of these questions.  If I do what she says and take Clomid, will I end up regretting it?  What if I lose my right ovary?  What if my left ovary ends up being bad?  Will I be okay with not having my own biological children?

I just don't want to mess up.  Because all of these decisions matter A LOT.

I know, I know...

#1 Have FAITH,
#2 TRUST that everything will work out the way it is supposed to,
#3 DON'T GIVE UP,
#4 RELAX,
#5 Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, and then PRAY some more.

I'm trying.