Finding Moments of Peace

About a month ago, I was running late to church.  It was about 9:20am (I know, REALLY late!) and I was really rushing to get there.  I drive past the trees that are blocking the building and the parking lot is EMPTY.  It turned out that it was Stake Conference which didn't actually start until 10:00am.  Oops! Well, at least I got like a REALLY good seat and the best parking place.

I definitely need to listen better to announcements at the beginning of sacrament meeting!

So today, I was sitting in church (got there at 9:01am... ONLY a minute late!) during the announcements when they reminded us that General Conference is next weekend!  I didn't want to have a repeat of the Stake Conference incident, so I immediately got out my phone to add it to my calendar.

Next Sunday is April 1st.  Next Sunday, I am scheduled to start the Clomid.  I only have A WEEK.  (Breathe in, breathe out.)  I think that we're going to just go for it... and hope and pray that I get pregnant in the next three months.

Sure, I'm nervous as heck!  I'm worried about the pain, the possibility of surgery, etc... I have several different nightmare scenarios running around in my brain.

BUT, I need to know that we tried everything before we go to IVF.

Last week, I emailed my doctor to ask about a drug that I had heard about through my online support group.  She kindly acknowledged my anxiety about taking the Clomid and let me know that the growth of my endometrioma last time was due to ovarian stimulation which both Clomid and Femara (the other drug) do.  The reason why she is not doing Femara is because it "has a strong label warning with regards to possible birth defects."  She also reviewed it with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) and he does not recommend it either.  Then, she basically told me that I could "consider going straight to IVF" if I wished to use something else besides Clomid.

IVF scares me, like A LOT... even more than the Clomid.  I still haven't responded to her email.

Lately, I've been going back and forth between having moments of worry and moments of peace.

Monday night this last week was one of my moments of worry.  It came on suddenly.  I realized that getting pregnant is probably going to be hard, REALLY hard.  I also realized that endometriosis is a disease without a cure and will not be going away.  Even if I am successful in getting pregnant, it is a painful disease that I will have to cope with for the rest of my life.  I became depressed immediately.  I cried and pitied myself.  I doubted whether or not I was up for the challenge.

Then that same night, I balled the whole time with Doug on Skype.  See, I haven't really been bringing up much of my daily worryings because the time that we are able to talk is so limited... I don't want to be the downer in his day.  He listened, but as a man he was looking to FIX.  Unfortunately, there really isn't an immediate fix, so... he listened.  I just felt so alone.

I texted my friend Caitlin a little and then put myself to bed early.

The next morning my alarm went off and I woke up, but I didn't get out of bed.  I just laid there.  I even knew I would be late to work, but I just laid there.

Lucky for me, as soon as I'm with my students, all of the fear I have about not getting pregnant usually gets put on the back burner.  I can't focus on it and do my job the way I feel it should be done.  For that, I am grateful.

Tuesday after school, I went to my weekly "date night" with Caitlin and she, knowing about my moment of worry the night before made me a notebook.  As you open it up, there are several statements of affirmation to look at.  In the very back of the notebook, there are success stories that she found of women getting pregnant with endometriosis.  The middle pages are for me to write down my questions and the answers to those questions.  Caitlin even sat down and typed up a list of things that I had been repeatedly worrying about in all our many conversations, so I could remember to ask my doctor about it in our next conversation.

This notebook seriously has to be the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for me in my whole life.  Caitlin, if you read this, I want you to know that you have been a blessing in my life during this time.  I don't always convey myself very well with spoken words, but I wanted you to know how truly grateful I am for your support.

Later in the week, I was having another moment of worry when the title of the LDS hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" came to my mind.  I've never really paid much attention to this hymn before, but like many hymns it has unknowingly been engrained in my memory after years of singing it in church.  I looked it up to find the exact lyrics.

1. Where can I turn for peace?
    Where is my solace
    When other sources cease to make me whole?
    When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
    I draw myself apart,
    Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
    Where, when I languish,
    Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
    Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
    Who, who can understand?
    He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
    Reaches my reaching
    In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
    Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
    Constant he is and kind,
    Love without end.

    Text: Emma Lou Thayne (b. 1924; LDS)
    Music: Joleen G. Meredith (b. 1935; LDS)

I'm hoping to have more moments of peace than worry in the next week. 

Only 183 more hours (or a little more than seven days) till Doug is home!