Paradigm Shift

Right now I'm home sick from school with some sort of cold/flu thing. It sucks. I just want to be able to breathe through my nose again and not feel all achy.

So all of this time in bed has given me time to think. Becoming a mom has been something I have dreamed of my whole life and now at 22 weeks pregnant, it is turning into more and more of a reality. I can feel my little girl moving daily now and I am so excited to meet her in April!

As if becoming a parent isn't a big enough change, I'm now thinking about how my life will be as a stay at home mom. It has been mine and Doug's plan from the beginning for me to stay home with our children. We are not loaded by any stretch of the imagination, but we are really good savers and not very good spenders. These two things combined with the fact that it took freaking FOREVER to get pregnant have allowed us to prepare for this day financially.

I truly do love my job... especially with the amazing group of kiddos I have in my room this year. I'm having a really hard time saying goodbye to the teaching profession even if it only is temporarily while I raise my family. The parents that have asked about next year have all been visibly disappointed when I tell them that I'll be staying home. I expected a bunch of "Good for you's!" and "They don't stay young forever!" Instead I got, "I was hoping you could be (younger siblings)'s teacher." and stuff like, "You have a gift for teaching. You shouldn't leave!!!"

The people-pleaser in me wants to make all of these people happy. I mean, there are tons of GREAT moms that do it every day... work full time and parent. I just don't know if I can be one of them. Teaching to me is more than a full time job. Yes, there is the grading and planning that happens outside of school, but it is MORE than that. I am 100% dedicated to my students each year. They are my life. I think about them when I drive home, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about them, and they are usually one of the first things I think about in the morning. Is that weird?

I don't think that I can give 100% to them and still have enough left for my little family. I honestly don't know how people balance it all. If I am going to teach, I want to do it the way I always have. My job makes me really happy most days and is very fulfilling. I worry that I'll miss it terribly. My friends at work tell me, "When you hold her in your arms the first time, none of it will matter!" I've seen huge changes in my friends that have become parents recently and I still think it is the craziest thing. I feel this big change coming in my life and I have no clue how I am going to be afterward.

My plan right now is to work up to spring break which is the last week in March this year. Over the past 6 years that I worked for the county I'm in, I have only taken maybe 2 sick days (not counting this week) so fortunately I have a TON saved up. This will allow me to have a few weeks at home to prepare for our little girl's arrival if she is on time for her April 11th due date. A BIG part of me wants to work up to my due date, but I hate to lose the 30 plus sick days that I will have remaining AFTER I take my maternity leave. Right now, when someone asks me my due date, I tell them the beginning of April. ...darn guilty conscience.

My life sure is changing quickly. I'm gearing up for a major paradigm shift!